I looked through my closet for my ‘cruise wear’….and chose something light enough that if I ended up in the water it wouldn’t drag me under, and a jacket buoyant enough for the same reason. I considered testing it in the bathtub but knew that was just too extreme even for me. Now I’m not a great sleeper to begin with, but that night whenever I closed my eyes I envisioned icebergs and twin smokestacks snapping in the artic air. It is September…the nearest Iceberg is in my fridge and from the produce section. I felt the cold hand of my husband as he slipped into the icy sea….“never let go Rich, never let go”. Ok ok it was a river and it was 73 degrees...but it’s my dream! I woke up, peed, had a glass of water (counter productive to say the least) and fell back asleep just as ‘the weather started getting rough and our tiny ship was tossed.” I woke again to pee (see I told you…) only this time there was no sleeping so I began the ritual of clicking around the 1100 channels to find something that could hold my interest at 4am. The movie channels…Titanic. Great! Click….A Night To Remember…oh boy…Click! Poseidon Adventure….what the hell?? …some kind of cosmic joke….or was I still dreaming? I went on my laptop. I looked at the website again. The yachts looked smaller. I poured a glass of my husbands cheap ass wine and sipped it as I watched the end of the Poseidon Adventure where everyone was saved. Ok not everyone…poor Shelley Winters…but it ended happier than the Titanic. Poor Jack, Rose let go.
The morning of the day of the night of the cruise…(got that?) I woke to find myself thinking of things I should be telling my kids…like where the safety deposit box keys are….how to make fresh mozzarella which I only just recently learned myself….instructions to ignore some of the stuff they may find in my underwear draw….
Everywhere we go we are early thanks to my husband. He anticipates EVERYTHING. Maybe there will be traffic, a flat, traffic, getting lost, traffic, can‘t find parking…did I mention traffic? So for a 7 o’clock boarding we are planning to leave at 5 o’clock. Two hours to go one borough. But he has been right in the past, so 5 o’clock it is. I put on the TV for a distraction. Special Report….Ahmadinejad and Obama are in the city…at the UN for a World Summit…FDR Drive is closed from here to there, with random closing from there to here. OK so Mr. Wonderful was right again, we need to leave early….and hope no one blows up the FDR Drive or commandeers our yacht to annihilate the UN.
There was NO traffic, we didn’t need gas, no flat, there was a parking lot inches from the dock and getting lost wasn’t even an option…so we arrived at the boarding area at 5:35 giving me a whole hour and a half to recreate every water disaster movie I have ever seen. The parking attendant was a nice Arabic man who took $30 to park our car for 3 hours (technically 4 ½ since we were so early) Thankfully there was a bench and a veritable smorgasbord of characters to keep us entertained. There was the man who was rollerblading in a tee shirt and thong, the girl who jogged by practically knocking herself out with her umm, knockers……the humping dogs, and an array of lost foreigners who seemed to think we were the NYC Information Booth. We walked over to the dock to look at the boats that were moored. Harbour Lights and Rendezvous were both there along with several others that looked bigger and, quite frankly safer. Some well-dressed people began walking down a ramp toward a moored boat, so we followed them only to be told in no uncertain terms that it was a private party boat. Well!! How did they know we weren’t invited guests. Just then a Mercedes Benz pulled up and a girl got out in the tightest and shortest red dress with the best spray tan I have ever seen. She was gorgeous. I could see my poor husband attempting to avert his eyes. As she paid the driver a Lexus pulled up and the best looking, best dressed group of men I have seen got out all holding bouquets of flowers. After they all air-kissed each other they headed for the private yacht that we had just so un-ceremoniously been escorted off of…but at least I knew how they figured out we were party crashers. I think my sneakers were a dead give away.
There was NO traffic, we didn’t need gas, no flat, there was a parking lot inches from the dock and getting lost wasn’t even an option…so we arrived at the boarding area at 5:35 giving me a whole hour and a half to recreate every water disaster movie I have ever seen. The parking attendant was a nice Arabic man who took $30 to park our car for 3 hours (technically 4 ½ since we were so early) Thankfully there was a bench and a veritable smorgasbord of characters to keep us entertained. There was the man who was rollerblading in a tee shirt and thong, the girl who jogged by practically knocking herself out with her umm, knockers……the humping dogs, and an array of lost foreigners who seemed to think we were the NYC Information Booth. We walked over to the dock to look at the boats that were moored. Harbour Lights and Rendezvous were both there along with several others that looked bigger and, quite frankly safer. Some well-dressed people began walking down a ramp toward a moored boat, so we followed them only to be told in no uncertain terms that it was a private party boat. Well!! How did they know we weren’t invited guests. Just then a Mercedes Benz pulled up and a girl got out in the tightest and shortest red dress with the best spray tan I have ever seen. She was gorgeous. I could see my poor husband attempting to avert his eyes. As she paid the driver a Lexus pulled up and the best looking, best dressed group of men I have seen got out all holding bouquets of flowers. After they all air-kissed each other they headed for the private yacht that we had just so un-ceremoniously been escorted off of…but at least I knew how they figured out we were party crashers. I think my sneakers were a dead give away.
It was almost 7pm and a small line began to form. I wondered out loud which side of the ship we should sit on. If we were going uptown the left would have the best view, downtown…the right side. Mr. Wonderful told me to ask the ‘mate’. Yes, he said mate! He then continued to babble something about starboard and port sides. I asked him to speak English…left or right? He said….starboard! F&*K you…I am nervous enough without having to decipher where the hell I am going to sit. The ‘mate’ turned out to be a black guy that looked exactly like Billy Blanks the Tae Bo pitchman. The ’mate’ said we were going downtown because we can’t go uptown because of the police presence by the UN. Uh oh… We sat on the right through dinner and then took our drinks up to the top outside deck where we stayed for the entire tour. The lighted skyline was unbelievable. The view of the Statue of Liberty breathtaking. The rising Freedom Tower spectacular. If there was anything to be nervous about I had completely forgotten it in the shadow of our magnificent city. (I did however notice the hole in the deck where the anchor is lowered and noted that my granddaughter could fall through) Note to self: do not take the kids on this tour.
After almost three glorious hours of tourist heaven, we were headed back to the dock. The captain announced that he was going to take us as close to the UN as he could without getting us shot at by the NYPD Harbor Patrol. Here we go again……..
