.......MASTER OF NONE
I have always prided myself on being smart. Not Einstein
black hole smart, but everyday smart. More than common sense smart but
less than PhD smart. More than street smart but definitely less than
Steven Hawkings smart. So I realized I was a Jack of all Trades but, well
you know how it goes, Master of None. I do however want to share my
limited mastery on a few subjects.
Medical
I know which thermometer goes in which end..... although with
today's new thermometers you just stick it in the ear clearly cheapening my
wisdom.
If you are screaming for help because you are choking, you
are not, in fact, choking. No air, no scream. Calm down,
you're gonna live.
There is no difference between Tylenol or the store brand other
than maybe $3.00. Of course if Bob's Acetametaphine is produced or
packaged in Taiwan, spend the extra $3 bucks.
Anything they remove from your body has to be biopsied. From
a wart to a polyp to a cyst. So if your doctor says he is biopsying
something he has removed, don't panic, don't pull out the life insurance
policies...it's a procedure.
Do not put anything other than cool water on burn.
Butter...eh, not so much unless you want to really cook your skin,
Vaseline...ditto. Antiseptic burn cream is fine so long as it hasn't been
hiding in the back of the cabinet behind the cotton balls you bought for a
school project for your 12 year old when she was in kindergarten.
Starve a cold, feed a fever. Why is that? No one has
proven to me that eating the last of the chocolate lava cake in the fridge
while congested is a bad thing. Grab the box of tissues, and the cake and
make your way to the couch. If however you have a fever with your cold,
feel free to add a scoop of ice cream.
Sleep
Everyone dreams although most do not remember what they have
dreamed which is probably good since most dreams translate into sexual
situations no matter what dream analysis book you read. If you dream you
are being chased and cannot run fast enough it will probably translate into
something regarding a deviant past encounter or the desire to have one.
You will sleep better in a cool room. Cool as in less
degrees, not posters and lava lamps.
Snoring can mean you have sleep apnea which loosely translated
means, you stop breathing in your sleep. I call that dead, but again what
do I know. If your partner snores wake him constantly through the night,
in the morning you both will be exhausted but neither of you will be dead.
That is unless your spouse kills you for waking him up all night.
There is no difference between 400 count and 800 count sheets
other than the 30 plus dollars Macy's will charge you. Do you seriously
think there is some Egyptian out there counting the threads? Besides, do you
really think that the snoring lump beside you can tell the difference?
If you are an insomniac that means you are up til all hours of the
night. If, however, you fell asleep at
8:30 and woke up at 1am not being able to go back to sleep that is just a long
ass nap screwing with your REM cycle. Stay up and start again tomorrow.
Cleaning
Vinegar cleans everything. From windows to countertops and
toilets to jewelry, vinegar will make things sparkle. You will, however,
have an unnatural craving for romaine.
If you have a pet and have unwanted hair on the furniture, use a
damn sponge to 'wipe' up the pet hair. And unless you are into hairy
teacups throw out the sponge immediately to avoid inadvertently reusing.
There is a floor behind the toilet.
If u are strategic with your dishwasher loading skills, you can
potentially get away without ‘un’loading for at least a week. Think Tetris.
Clorox bleach spray is an amazing product that cleans virtually
everything. It also has a wide
over-spray which nicely tie-dyes everything in it’s path.
Cleaning out a closet means throwing some things out. It does not mean moving stuff in closet A
into closet B. It does however count as
cleaning if closet B is in someone else’s house.
