updates

Between sewing, hemming, ironing, cutting, trimming, pasting, wrapping, dyeing, mending, altering, gluing and creating there has been little to no time to blog at all. Even rambling takes precious time that I have so little of these days so for this week only I will update you on previous blogs.  (pretend you are interested how things turned out)

Beep Beep Beep....The Verizon battery pack that beeped its way through my night is silent. No, not because I kicked the damn thing off the wall, but because the customer service man told me to unplug and re-plug and it would stop beeping for probably another two years. So far he is right and the box on the wall lives for yet another day. If only life were that simple.

what would Jack Bauer do?.... I have never returned to the Jiffy Lube and most assuredly never will. I did however scan the papers to see if there were any recent homicides involving stilt girl, Eminem or anyone named Big Mac….none. And my husband will just have to go it alone next time, so much for spending time together.

8 to 12.... The Sears repairman came….only it was a repairwoman. She installed some part, clicked away on her laptop, made two phone calls and deemed the unit un-fixable. They gave me a store credit to buy another one since it was still under a service contract. For the first time in my 35 (or is it 36 now) year marriage I was glad my husband convinced me to purchase one of those damn service contracts that cost a fortune and usually expire by the time you need it. New unit in, old unit out….and on my back deck since my husband insists it can be fixed. My daughters are currently in an emotional bidding war to see who will get the unit if it is fixable.

Beige goes with everything.... The fish are gone. The blue walls are gone and the ceiling is beige (thanks partially to my son-in-law and his big stick….don’t go there!) That’s as far as I have gotten. Bathroom - 2 Me - 1

Of Kings and Queens.... My son is gone a month. I have stopped reading the paper looking for Queens related homicides. I have stopped hearing his phantom car pull in the driveway so I can go to bed. I have stopped waiting to cook so he doesn’t have to eat leftovers. I have not stopped missing my son.

One potatoe, two potatoe….The month of March passed without me killing my mother in law, so on April 22nd she turned 84. We planned a brunch at a local diner which is no easy feat considering there are about 100 reasons she could come up with not to leave the house that particular morning. The virtually always empty diner was jammed packed that morning and seating for 13 was tricky. Fun was had by all….until my mother in law called later to say she was ill and puking and she shouldn’t have gone. Happy Birthday Mom!

Beep Beep Beep

I don’t sleep well. Never have. But there are those rare times when I will fall asleep on the couch and remain blissfully there til morning. True I wake up stiff and crooked and the couch has a permanent indent where my ass was, but I get a good nights sleep. Sometimes more hours than I have gotten in a week. Last night promised to be one of those nights. Almost. I fell asleep watching Jimmy Kimmel. (no surprise there!) I woke up at 3:15am for no apparent reason and so I thought OK just another sleepless night. But I immediately fell back asleep and woke up at 4:00am to a single high pitched beeping sound. I thought it was the alarm on my fridge…no not to keep me from raiding the fridge during the night, but in case I left the door ajar when I was raiding the fridge during the night.

I checked the door, took a sip of ice tea, contemplated having a little snack but opted to hunt for the mysterious sleep rousing beep instead. I checked my cell phone…all clear. My husbands beeper….all good. My computer….it was off. I stood with my head cocked to one side listening for the next beep in the hopes that I could isolate where it was coming from. Beep (4:15am). I followed the sound into the dining room. Nothing. I checked my sewing machine, the cordless phone, the chirping bird that tells me my plant needs water and every other thing that could possibly make a beep. Still nothing. I imagined a bomb with its digital numbers counting down, set to go off in minutes if I don‘t find it in time. I imagined the red laser of a rifle crosshair coming through the window directed at my forehead. (I watch too much Jack Bauer and hey its 4:15am remember) Beep (4:30am) The sound was definitely coming from the window wall of the dining room so I switched on the you’ll-never-get-back-to-sleep-now overhead light, ducked under the window (just in case) and eyed my granddaughters toy box. I had just put batteries in a new toy yesterday…maybe it is Big Bird beeping. If so, that big, dumb chicken is getting stuffed with kibble and fed to my dog. Not Big Bird, Dora or Furby. Not Elmo, her keyboard, fake laptop or Disney princess cell phone. Not a damn thing in there could or should beep.

Although I know that my smoke alarm chirps rather than beeps when the battery needs to be changed and I could swear it was coming from the opposite side of the room, I opted to change the battery. I got up on a chair to reach where my six foot husband thinks we should keep the spare batteries. No 9 volts! AA, AAA, C and even two D batteries but none of those little square batteries that my brother and I used to dare each other to lick. (don’t ask) I got back up on the chair and tried to reach the smoke alarm but couldn’t quite reach it. I got down, grabbed the broom and attempted to maneuver the cover off. I missed the alarm completely and the broom hit a picture knocking it off the wall and onto my dog who of course has to sit right under the chair. I never thought about what I would do once the cover was off but hoped that at the very least I could get the dying, beeping battery out…..and if there happens to be a fire tonight….please….let me burn! Cover off, battery out, chair away, light off…..I foolishly head to the stairs to go up to bed. Beep (4:45am) Followed by beep beep beep. The beep beep beep I recognized as my husbands alarm clock. He’s getting up for work and I have been Beep hunting since 3:15am.

I went back to the dining room where I distinctly heard the Beep coming from. I sat on the floor. I waited. Like a hunter I crouched waiting for the elusive Beep to come out of hiding. My knees began cramping so I laid down somewhere between the dining room table and the window with the potential sniper. If I had to stay there til morning (oh wait, it is morning) I will locate the Beep and silence it forever. Beep (5am) I not only heard it, but I saw it. The Verizon Fios box that they installed and I cleverly hid behind snack tables had a red light on that said ‘change battery.’ I waited. I held my breath…I needed to know for certain that it was the Verizon box that had me up all night before I kicked the damn thing off the wall. Beep. With a great deal of restraint, I pried open the box to see what size battery it took and hoped it wasn’t the tongue sizzling square 9 volt. It wasn’t. It was a huge square battery with wires attached to it. (Thankfully there was no digital countdown going on…) I felt totally defeated when I heard my husband coming down stairs. “What are you doing on the floor?”

I explained as briefly as possible….something like “Fix this %$#&*ing thing or I’m kicking it off the wall."

He walked over to the unit, bent down and pressed the SILENCE THE ALARM button. Kill me now!

what would Jack Bauer do?

My husband and I don’t get to spend much quality time together. Our lives are just not in sync. He works, eats, sleeps and watches House. That pretty much sums up his daily routine. So it is a rare weekend that we spend it doing something together that doesn’t involve me yelling or him wearing the same green work clothes he wears all week. This past Sunday we did the next best thing…we combined my love for shopping and his love for…well, greasy stuff. We went to get my oil changed en route to a Family Dollar. The Jiffy Lube we went to was closed. Against my better judgement we drove a little further and found Jiffy Lube In The Hood. It was a combination Oil Change/Mini-Mart/CarWash and place to chill and hang with the homies. I pulled my Dodge in behind the Lexus and BMX that were already on line. My husband got out and wanted to see how long it would take for an oil change. I just wanted to see how long it would take to back out of here. Forget Family Dollar….I can do without another laundry basket or whimsical mug I don't need.

The brothers were chillin’ on the Mini Mart steps and were conversing about how long it takes to get your bail money back. One hoodie announced the ‘next’ time I gets busted I is gonna use Big Mac’s bail guy. And that I’m afraid to say, is a direct quote. I am assuming the Big Mac he speaks of does not come on a sesame seed roll. The door of the Lexus opened and the longest set of female legs I have ever seen in my life emerged….and was followed by a body that made me feel like I wasn’t even the same gender. She had a face that could make a blind man cringe, however I doubt anyone, including my husband saw her face or even looked up that far.  She strutted over to the guy in the BMW, snapped her 3 inch manicured nails, swiveled her neck and proclaimed….”I’m gonna $%#* you up if you keep following me.” The driver of the BMW stayed within the confines of his limo-tinted windows either out of arrogance or fear. I was betting on the latter at this point. She walked over to the Mini Mart, passed the bail boys and into the store. It felt like I was in an MTV music video and Beyonce was gonna come strolling out from the mini mart with Jay-Z holding her $3000 purse. (I’d like to see the homies screw with Jay-Z.) The BMW passenger door opened and an Eminem look alike got out. OK truthfully he looked nothing like Eminem, but he was white and gangster, wore his pants half way down his ass and I am sure he could rap.  He flicked a cigarette toward the homies and they all stood at once. Good God I am parked smack dab in the middle of a gang war. And I was wearing RED!! I imagined how I would lay down on the seat in the event gunfire erupted. I imagined how I would explain getting grazed by a bullet at Jiffy Lube to my co-workers. I imagined me killing my husband for putting me in this situation in the first place. Where was he anyway?

The homies and Eminem bumped shoulders, shook hands, called each other nigger as my husband finally materialized from the garage bay. The BMW driver still hadn’t emerged and ‘stilt girl’ was on her way out of the Mini Mart and heading straight for him. Eminem and the homies made some lewd comment as she passed them on her way out that she completely ignored. My husband, still deciphering the price chart on the wall had no idea what was about to happen. I locked the doors. I rolled up the windows. I shut the radio. I was in full alert mode. If something was gonna happen, it wasn’t gonna happen to me. Mr. Wonderful out there would have to fend for himself.

Just as the ‘stilt girl’ arrived at the BMW she turned and looked right at me. Not just a glance, a head turning, you-didn’t-see-a-damn-thing…look at me. Me. Minding my business in my Dodge. A potential witness perhaps. Did I pay my life insurance? Did I pay his…because if we get out of here in one piece I am gonna be one wealthy widow after I kill him.

Stilt girl, carrying a can of soda that I hadn’t seen until now, was walking towards my car. Oh God. I put the car in reverse with my foot on the brake just in case I had to make a quick exit. She stopped about two feet from the front of my car, popped the top of the soda and launched it at the BMX. The can hissing and spitting soda landed on the trunk of the car. The homies burst into jeers. Stilt girl stood silent and still. And I pretty much peed myself.

The BMW door started to open and of course now my husband was on his way back to the car. He had no idea that within moments the BMW car door would fly open and Stilt Girl guts would be all over my Dodge hood. I practiced my laying on the seat move and realized that I would never get low enough to avoid a stray shot so I motioned to my husband to hurry up. He strolled toward the car and I saw the BMW door open wider and Stilt Girl moving toward it. This is gonna be get bad. My car door opened and without actually getting in my husband starts telling me about filters and proofing oil and I screamed in my best whisper so Stilt Girl couldn’t hear…get in the car there is going to be a fight. What??? A fight, there is gonna be a fight, get in the car. What fight? GET IN THE CAR BEFORE WE GET SHOT, OK????? He got in the car and before his door was even closed I backed out of the Jiffy Lube and into traffic. I have no idea what happened to the girl. I don’t know who was in the BMW and if he was following Stilt Girl to begin with. I have no clue if the homies ended up needing Big Mac’s guy and I never went to Family Dollar.

8 to 12

Today is my day off. No work, no babysitting…just off. Kinda. I am waiting for the dishwasher repairman who has tried twice to fix the damn thing and after several parts ordered and installed I am still washing my dishes at night and cursing Sears. I made the earliest appointment possible so I don’t waste the whole day. 8 am to 12 noon It is almost 11 and still no repairman and so in my impatience I have called the automated recording twice to hear that my repairman will arrive between 8 and 12 today. God, did they say TODAY?? I better call back. Ok today, phew! I got up early to vacuum before the guy gets here. Wouldn’t want him to see that on any other given day the kitchen is a mess and anywhere my husband has eaten in the last 8 hours has to be re-vacuumed. I threw in a load of wash, checked my email, paid three bills on line, updated my Facebook status, organized a junk draw, cleaned out my pocketbook and refilled the salt shaker. I watered my plants including the two I got for Easter, ate a Sugar-free Peeps (with breakfast), called my mother in law (got no answer, hung up….there is a God), and checked just once more to be sure the recording still says that the repairman is coming today. I fluffed the couch pillows, sprayed Febreeze on them and the dog (who, as my son loves to point out…really stinks). I attempted to organize the coat closet but abandoned that when I realized that I would soon need to find a place to put all the winter wear. (Ok where is this guy, I am exhausted! ).

I switched the laundry from washer to dryer, gazed wistfully at my son’s empty closet, and as I neared the stairs heard my phone ringing. I jetted up the stairs (lol lol, yeah that didn’t happen) to what I was sure was the repairman’s call. Nope, just Mr. Wonderful asking me to do him a favor since I was ‘off’ today. I tied up some newspapers and magazines for tomorrows recycling, cleaned the soap dish in the bathroom, lost then found my bra which I had hidden under one of the Febreezed pillows. I made another pot of coffee, ate another sugar-free Peeps which made me nauseous, and sat down hoping to watch some mindless TV I recorded earlier. The phone rang. It was Sears. The repairman has been delayed she said. And with that I took some comfort and some pain. Stuck in the house longer, but at least I was certain he was coming.

 

I can see the sun peeking out from behind the clouds just to annoy me a little more. The bird feeders that my husband almost compulsively refills daily are covered with red cardinals, beautiful jet black…..blackbirds (duh), and green quakers which are like little mean parrots that snip at any birds that come near them and scream for god knows what reason. Done with bird watching I sat down at the computer to play Poppit. That is a game where you pop ballons of various colors until the least amount of balloons are left unpopped. Mindless like some of my TV shows. The game wouldn’t load. Loading…loading….loading and the little hourglass just stood there where my cursor should be. I shut the computer, no patience this morning…oh wait, technically it is almost this afternoon now.

I started a pot of split pea soup using the ham bone from my daughter’s Easter dinner (gonna be 80 tomorrow and I am making soup…jeez what timing), cut WWE wrestler figures out of cardboard for party centerpieces, and coaxed the dog outside with a piece of cheese in preparation for the arrival of the repairman. I sent an irate email to the Daily News about the 12 year old graffiti-ist who is now suing the city, and I called my mother in law again…with still no answer. Since her Life-Alert did not call me I am assuming she is ok and either out enjoying the sun (that I am missing) or avoiding my call because she is mad at me again for a reason that completely eludes me.

The bell rang. He’s here! The dog is going wild trapped outside. He is trying to tear through the screen to get in. I am yelling, he is barking, the bell still ringing. Not Sears, just my grandson who wants to see the wrestler cut outs. The dog contained, my grandson satisfied, the birds fed, the laundry done, Poppit still loading and my mother in law MIA….I sit, still waiting!