Buckle up!

After attempting three times to go to Macys to return something I got for Christmas that was too small (surprise, surprise), I finally made it there today. With two of my grandsons. Going to Macy’s which is nestled inside the Kings Plaza shopping center is an adventure all in itself. Going with two kids under ten is another. Before heading off to the mall we feasted (and I use the term loosely) on Papa John pizza. My husband saw a sign for $5 pick up only pies. So pick up only…he did! And he had a $15 gift card which meant he has over $4 credit still left on the card. Yee Ha! Made his day, free pizza and cash back…life is good! The grandson that weighs less than a hummingbird ate most of one pie…crust and all. My other grandson spent most of the time pulling most of the cheese off since he doesn’t like cheese or the crust. He made my dog very happy, my husband a little disconcerted and the starving children in Ethiopia more than envious.

We left for the mall with all good expectations of returning an item, possibly buying a bigger item and of course, the Cookie House. I asked them to buckle up, check the buckle and were they sure they were buckled up until they both said “you asked us already, Grandma”. Which was the polite equivalent of “shut the hell up you neurotic old woman.“ We pulled into the mall’s outdoor parking lot which a lot of people don’t know exists. It is called the roof. Still costs you $3 to park there, but you don’t risk being slaughtered for your fake but oh-so-realistic Coach bag. As we pulled into a parking spot a car pulled in along side of us. Now let me just preface this with the fact that I know I am paranoid nut when it comes to my grandkids, and as a true New Yorker, I watch who is next to me and behind me…tenfold when I have my grandkids with me. The car that pulled in next to me pulled in too close, too fast and well, too in synch with my car. (paranoid, remember?) I looked over to find that sitting in the passenger seat was a woman who looked exactly like the scary old woman in House on Haunted Hill. (For those of you who have never seen the original version, see it, worth the watch) My grandkids were instructed not to open the car doors until the Hill House woman was long into the mall.  My hand kept locking and re-locking the doors just in case this woman who was probably just some sad ugly little woman having a bad hair day….turned into a psycho killer.

Clear of dangerous car parking patrons we entered the mall through the Sears entrance. The kids immediately ran to a Sesame Street display which goes to show that Elmo and Big Bird, like Mickey Mouse will never go out of style. They had fun playing with the figures as I kept a guarded eye out for any pedophiles, child snatchers and the Hill House lady who clearly must be  lurking nearby.  All no shows, we were good to move on through the exercise equipment and TV screens to the escalators. One time many years ago my husband and I saw a little girl get her sneaker lace caught in the escalator teeth. He knew where the off switch was, switched it off and went on his merry way allowing the parents to comfort their child after thanking him profusely. Like Superman turning back into Clark Kent.  My hero……sort of!  Anyway, ever since then no matter where we are, or with whom….he recalls that story and several others about kids getting their toes chewed off by escalators.  It is for that reason if I had been any stronger I would have physically carried them on the escalator much to their embarrassment. Instead, I repeated ad nauseum (do you have your seatbelts on?) make sure your laces are tied (tricky when your sneakers have Velcro closures) you stand in the middle of the step, and don’t let your pants drag….and amazingly we made it to the third floor where we exited Sears and entered the mall. Phew!

Macy’s is on the exact opposite side of the mall from Sears. I planned our route giving the kids the option of which stores they would like to pass. They could care less. We passed a toy store where they ran to the display of wrestling figures. I offered to buy them. They politely refused. We passed a baseball cap store where my grandson immediately tried on a Mets cap. I offered to buy it for him. He politely refused. We went into Hallmark where their Easter display included a Donald Duck dressed as a rabbit that danced and quaked. Adorable. I asked if we should buy it for Easter…..they refused. What the hell is wrong with these kids?? I will speak to their mother later.

We arrive at Macy’s un-accosted and even  survived the escalator ride with toes intact. Although the line was rather long the kids entertained themselves looking at a Macys display that changed pictures depending on where you stood. Back and forth in front of the display for the entire time it took Shalimarinka (I kid you not!) to do the return.   Cards bought and returns done all that stood between us and the Cookie House was a final escalator ride and a possible encounter with the Hill House lady. We walked out of Macy’s and towards the Cookie House passed the kiosks that sold everything from jewelry to t-shirts and cell phones to CHICKEN LITTLE hats! That’s right, crocheted hats that looked like every character including Spongebob, Elmo and Chicken Little. The man selling the hats saw our interest and immediately came over and put hats on both of my grandkids as I protested apparently not loud enough. These hats, adorable as they may be, have probably been deposited on every passing head with reckless disregard for sanitary conditions of any kind. I envisioned little critters lurking in the woolen caps crawling out onto my unsuspecting grandsons heads not to mention the $30 price tag.   I abruptly pulled off the hats without explaining my urgency and let them just chalk it up to grandma the neurotic. (I can live with that, I’m used to it!)

Finally the Cookie House! A banana-strawberry smoothie, bottle of water and half a pound of chocolate chip cookies $13.50 plus tax….now I know why they didn’t want the wrester, ball cap or duck! As they happily munched on cookies and slurped the smoothies we made our way back to Sears, up the escalator and to the roof.  Hill House lady was never sighted and her car was gone when we got to mine.   Put your seatbelts on.   Are they on?  You sure?

As Seen On TV

Sooooo I have been sick for over a week. Flu, head cold, virus…whatever! Doctor basically had no idea and treated it as such. I took Tylenol for the pounding headache (because I couldn’t reach the Aleve), a Walgreen’s brand cold pill for the congestion (because I am cheap and believe that you really pay for the brand name), sugar free cough lozenges for the hacking sleep robbing cough and I drank more orange juice than a diabetic should. And I still suffered with a cough, headache and congestion for over a week. So maybe I could have saved my self some money and a diabetic coma….next time I am doing it cold turkey.

While I suffered through the symptoms of what ever the hell I had, I watched TV. I watched shows that not only had I never watched before but never knew they were on. There isn’t a lot to do once you drop the remote and can’t move a muscle to retrieve it. You watch what is on next. And next. And next….. until you fall asleep or someone comes to your rescue. No one did. They were leaving me alone. So I could sleep. Which I did. More sleep than I have had in the last two months.

As I watched TV through my drug induced, fever blurring, weakened state I began to take on a new life‘s goal. I wanted to donate everything I own to Marlo Thomas for the kids with cancer, I wanted to rent power tools and build something like a bookcase or basically anything that used a piano hinge like the TV guy that has a woodworking shop in his garage, I wanted to redo, revamp, or rearrange every room in my house like Nate Berkus, (an Oprah show spinoff) and I even wanted to learn how to play poker late late at night for high stakes with pseudo-celebrities. I wanted to be a Victoria Secrets model or at least make the cover Sports Illustrated. (drug-induced, remember?)

I was forced to watch commercials. Did you know that your average half hour show is really 26 minutes of commercials and 4 minutes of actual show? Ok that may be an exaggeration but it is pretty damn close. And the later the show is on, the more commercials there are. And the more commercials there are the more stuff they sell. And the more stuff they sell the shittier the stuff. And the shittier the stuff the more I wanted to buy it. I think their target market is the drug induced, fever laden, remote droppers. Gotta be, I bought two As Seen On TV items the minute I could reach the phone and my credit card. Shit I don’t need or necessarily want, but they said I should need it and I should want it, so I do. In my weakened state I caved.

I read the credits. I know the producer, co-producer, and executive producer. I know who the creative producer is although I am not sure what any of them do individually. I know the names of all the cameramen, soundmen and set designers. I know where they filmed, who they thanked for letting them film there, and who died and got the show dedicated to them. The scrolling words lulled me in and out of sleep. That, the Nyquil and the six pills I was now taking.

By day four I was upright but not mobile. My head no longer felt like I got hit by a bat. It no longer felt like I was swallowing razor blades, and my ears stopped ringing. But try to stand up and the room spun. I sat upright on the couch. The chair. The floor. But no matter where I planted myself, my head instinctively chose to flop over. It was easier to lay down than to prop my head up with pillows. I basically slept for two more days. By day six I was able to stand up although now my ears were closed and I could hear about as good as my husband.

“Sit up, your ears will drain” he suggested every fifteen friggin' minutes.

“Sit up, it works for me.”

(What part of you are still deaf don’t you get?…sitting up hasn’t helped you and it won’t help me. Leave me alone and hand me the remote….Obviously I get cranky when I am sick.)

Days 7, 8 and 9 are a blur. I had the audacity to leave the house for two hours and completely relapsed. (ok it was cold and raining and not the best choice I have made recently) Back again…the throbbing head, the raw throat, the chest rattling cough….and the TV. This time I hung on to the remote for dear life. I wondered what sick people did before TV. Before radio. I figured it was the reason peopled died so much younger years ago. If I had to lay on the couch or in bed without so much as a radio to distract me, I would have sucked down heart stopping doses of medicine just to pass the time. I loved having the remote. I zipped through the commercials and credits. I raised and lowered the volume just because I could and slowly I started feeling better….again. This time I did not go out and risk another set back.

I am back to normal (ha!) again with little more than a red nose and a lingering cough…..oh and a Slanket (the cheaper version of the Snuggie), the ShamWow economy pack and Easy Feet Shower Slippers.