As Seen On TV

Sooooo I have been sick for over a week. Flu, head cold, virus…whatever! Doctor basically had no idea and treated it as such. I took Tylenol for the pounding headache (because I couldn’t reach the Aleve), a Walgreen’s brand cold pill for the congestion (because I am cheap and believe that you really pay for the brand name), sugar free cough lozenges for the hacking sleep robbing cough and I drank more orange juice than a diabetic should. And I still suffered with a cough, headache and congestion for over a week. So maybe I could have saved my self some money and a diabetic coma….next time I am doing it cold turkey.

While I suffered through the symptoms of what ever the hell I had, I watched TV. I watched shows that not only had I never watched before but never knew they were on. There isn’t a lot to do once you drop the remote and can’t move a muscle to retrieve it. You watch what is on next. And next. And next….. until you fall asleep or someone comes to your rescue. No one did. They were leaving me alone. So I could sleep. Which I did. More sleep than I have had in the last two months.

As I watched TV through my drug induced, fever blurring, weakened state I began to take on a new life‘s goal. I wanted to donate everything I own to Marlo Thomas for the kids with cancer, I wanted to rent power tools and build something like a bookcase or basically anything that used a piano hinge like the TV guy that has a woodworking shop in his garage, I wanted to redo, revamp, or rearrange every room in my house like Nate Berkus, (an Oprah show spinoff) and I even wanted to learn how to play poker late late at night for high stakes with pseudo-celebrities. I wanted to be a Victoria Secrets model or at least make the cover Sports Illustrated. (drug-induced, remember?)

I was forced to watch commercials. Did you know that your average half hour show is really 26 minutes of commercials and 4 minutes of actual show? Ok that may be an exaggeration but it is pretty damn close. And the later the show is on, the more commercials there are. And the more commercials there are the more stuff they sell. And the more stuff they sell the shittier the stuff. And the shittier the stuff the more I wanted to buy it. I think their target market is the drug induced, fever laden, remote droppers. Gotta be, I bought two As Seen On TV items the minute I could reach the phone and my credit card. Shit I don’t need or necessarily want, but they said I should need it and I should want it, so I do. In my weakened state I caved.

I read the credits. I know the producer, co-producer, and executive producer. I know who the creative producer is although I am not sure what any of them do individually. I know the names of all the cameramen, soundmen and set designers. I know where they filmed, who they thanked for letting them film there, and who died and got the show dedicated to them. The scrolling words lulled me in and out of sleep. That, the Nyquil and the six pills I was now taking.

By day four I was upright but not mobile. My head no longer felt like I got hit by a bat. It no longer felt like I was swallowing razor blades, and my ears stopped ringing. But try to stand up and the room spun. I sat upright on the couch. The chair. The floor. But no matter where I planted myself, my head instinctively chose to flop over. It was easier to lay down than to prop my head up with pillows. I basically slept for two more days. By day six I was able to stand up although now my ears were closed and I could hear about as good as my husband.

“Sit up, your ears will drain” he suggested every fifteen friggin' minutes.

“Sit up, it works for me.”

(What part of you are still deaf don’t you get?…sitting up hasn’t helped you and it won’t help me. Leave me alone and hand me the remote….Obviously I get cranky when I am sick.)

Days 7, 8 and 9 are a blur. I had the audacity to leave the house for two hours and completely relapsed. (ok it was cold and raining and not the best choice I have made recently) Back again…the throbbing head, the raw throat, the chest rattling cough….and the TV. This time I hung on to the remote for dear life. I wondered what sick people did before TV. Before radio. I figured it was the reason peopled died so much younger years ago. If I had to lay on the couch or in bed without so much as a radio to distract me, I would have sucked down heart stopping doses of medicine just to pass the time. I loved having the remote. I zipped through the commercials and credits. I raised and lowered the volume just because I could and slowly I started feeling better….again. This time I did not go out and risk another set back.

I am back to normal (ha!) again with little more than a red nose and a lingering cough…..oh and a Slanket (the cheaper version of the Snuggie), the ShamWow economy pack and Easy Feet Shower Slippers.