sit..stand..clap......repeat

If there is one thing you need to know about me is that I am a creature of habit. Every morning I have the same routine….I make my coffee and I sit down with my breakfast to read the paper. (ok I pee first but I thought that might be too much info) Granted, I am not reading the NY Times or the Wall Street Journal but the news is so disconcerting that it probably is a practice I should stop. The headline is always something with big bold letters a catchy phrase and exclamation points. Today’s is about Obama’s State of the Union speech. I watched some of it last night and had to turn it off. Just watching Nancy Pelosi stand and clap, sit, stand and clap, sit, stand…well you get the picture…made me want to throw something at the TV. And each time she stood the audience stood and clapped as well. Like mindless robotic morons. Other than this one guy that my son pointed out was reading the paper…or so it seemed. He didn’t stand and he didn’t clap. Maybe he was doing the Sudoku puzzle? I liked his audacity to snub Pelosi’s clapping, standing prompt but bristled at his disrespect when the President of the United States was speaking…even if I didn’t vote for him. I ventured further into the paper to find that PETA is afraid that the groundhog used in the celebratory Feb 2nd activities is being traumatized by the crowds and media lights. They want to replace it with a puppet. It’s a friggin’ groundhog people and he is probably being fed better than he ever would have eaten out of someone’s garbage can. According to the article he even has his own fan club. I vote for keeping the real little critter, after all he did us all a favor and bit Bloomberg last year. Gee, I wonder if PETA saw the Macy’s fur sale ad on page 16.

A few murders and a teacher charged with sexual misconduct preceeded the State of the Union address on pages 4 and 5. In addition to the highlights of his address was the highlights of her address…I mean her… dress. Michelle Obama wore an ugly over-priced designer dress, a purple silk and knit by Mizrahi, pearls and what looked like a Kate Gosselin haircut! People are living in their cars and she had to wear an $1800 dress??

The PC Richard HDTV Super Sale is still printed in Jets green…I suppose the art department wasn’t watching one of their HDTV’s when the Jets lost their bid at the Super Bowl. Or maybe it was in their honor.

Now as I said before some things in the paper are just plain upsetting and unfortunately for me (and anyone in my path basically) set the tone for the rest of my day. Page 12 has a Transportation Security guard asleep on a bench at LaGuardia Airport. The picture was taken by an irate traveler with his cell phone and forwarded on to Homeland Security. If it was up to me I would petition to re-name a street after this whistleblower. (if Sean Bell can have one, basically anyone can) At least he may have just saved hundred of lives. The part that bothered me the most wasn’t the picture of the snoozing guard, it was the fact that she wasn’t fired, she was put on desk duty. She may have been on a break they said, although I would think protocol would be to nap in the break room instead in front of tourists and terrorists. And then to add insult to injury a security expert (what ever the hell that is?!) was quoted as saying..”they are underpaid and overworked.” Are they kidding? Overworked? How hard is it to walk around an airport without falling asleep? Underpaid? Give the job to the next guy if you think you are being underpaid….I personally know a lot of people who would love that job…and stay awake.

A bright spot was the rescue of girl from the pile of rubble that is now Haiti. After 15 days being trapped without food or water she is pulled to safety. My prayers are with her.

I got to the horoscopes only to find my sign missing. No Sagittarius. Virgo…Libra…Scorpio…Nothing. Probably an oversight…maybe a misprint. Either way, not a good sign.

On to the obituaries….or as the Daily News so aptly puts it…Death Notices. Does that mean someone noticed these people were dead? Seems so cold. Zelda Rubinstein died. She was the munchkin-like character actor from Poltergeist…she was the psychic called in to rid the house of demons. Tall feat for someone who only stood 4 foot 3. On the same page as the Death Notices was an article that upset me more than the sleeping airport security guard. A man was convicted of murder and will serve life in prison for watching his girlfriend beat her 3 year old child to death. The girlfriend only got 20 years. She pleaded guilty to the lesser charge of manslaughter. Did I miss something? Plea bargaining in the death of a child should not be allowed.

I made it to the sports section a little battered but still intact. But then I read that Johnny Damon officially is out. No Yankee pinstripes for the once caveman looking Red Sock. Whether it was his ego holding out for a better contract or his agent’s game playing, the Yankees opted to use their (according to some) unlimited cash flow to sign Randy Winn, who other than his catchy name means nothing to me. In fact I have never heard of him but read he was with the Giants. Johnny, I will miss you even if Brian Cashman will not. I am not a huge football fan, other than on Super Bowl Sunday and that is mostly for the little frozen hor devours and hot wings. There are only 20 days left before the Yankee pitchers and catchers report for spring training. I can feel the air warming already.

some enchanted evening.....

On Tuesday night we went to see South Pacific at Lincoln Center. The tickets were a Christmas gift from me to my husband…(I ain’t stupid, who the hell else is he gonna take??) We wanted to eat dinner in the city before the play which started at 7, so leaving at 5 seemed to make sense. It didn’t. We usually eat at Katz’s deli when we go to a play….he likes the ridiculously overpriced, overstuffed pastrami sandwiches and I like the fact that When Harry Met Sally was filmed there and I always insist we sit at the table where Meg Ryan did her famous faked orgasm scene. I am always tempted to recreate it…but I don’t, a coward at heart. Maybe if I looked like Meg Ryan I would. This time though we went up the west side so we decided to find a restaurant near Lincoln Center.

     Quite surprisingly we found parking right away. Not so surprising was the fact that we were about ten blocks from Lincoln Center. I hate my husband’s lets-find-a-spot-instead-of-putting-it-in-a-lot logic. Cheap bastard. Since we still had to find somewhere to eat we walked up Broadway looking for something that looked interesting. We found the Midtown Deli….which turned out to be take out only, we found Raw Bar which only serves seafood…..raw….duh!….we found Food Emporium which was an overpriced supermarket and then we found that we only had 30 minutes to eat and get back to the theatre that we had passed some 8 blocks ago. Desperate now, we saw Ollies Noodle and Rice Bar (or something like that). It was a take-out, dine-in Chinese restaurant. Everything in the restaurant was huge, except for the waitresses who all of them combined probably weighed less than me. The menus were huge, the plates were huge, the silverware huge, even the art on the walls were huge, and unfortunately the prices were equally massive. We slurped our soup and dipped our dumplings as a 30 foot painting of Confucius stared down at us.  My fortune cookie, which my doctor will be proud I did not eat, said that I was about to receive good news from abroad. My husband thought that it meant that I was going to hear the news from a woman….a broad….good god! After I explained, we paid our bill tipped the teeny waitress and left Ollies and began our trek.

     Lincoln Center was under construction. The entrance we had made our way to was closed and so we had to zig zag back (uphill of course) to the entrance on Amsterdam Avenue. We walked thru temporary gates, up temporary ramps, with temporary lighting…it was confusing and dirty and….well, hopefully temporary. Once inside we walked up stairs, only to have to go back downstairs and then finally to the theatre entrance. Up another flight and we were thankfully at our seats which were amazing. After we stopped panting and the palpitations subsided I realized we had just made it. I ballpark estimated that we had just walked 16 blocks, one avenue and three flights of stairs. (There goes my exercise for January and part of February.)

The play was good….not the best I have seen, but then again I have seen many. The songs were all familiar, but not toe-tappers or sing-a-longs by any means. The scenery was well done and the gratuitous naked behinds of a few sailors was a nice added touch. At intermission we discussed what we thought so far and compared opinions, but when my husband said he liked that "he caressed her because the boyfriend died”......I died.  Laughing.   Caressed?  Did he just say caressed?  I guess it must be the magic of Lincoln Center that brought out his sensitive side….that or the MSG in his won tons.

    When we left the theatre we followed the crowd who obviously knew where they were going and guess what….no temporary lights or gates or even ramps….just a beautiful lighted fountain and endless pool and the front of Lincoln Center in all its glory.  It was a good night.  Caressed???

the 70'sssssssssssssssssssssssssss

I stayed in tonight (like I really had somewhere to go…) and watched movies with my husband. Ok let me rephrase that….I watched the movies and he slept on the couch next to me. There is nothing as exciting as trying to watch a movie with whispered dialogue while there is a bear sniffling and snorting next to you. Thankfully with the DVR I pause or rewind and hear what I missed. Actually him falling asleep was probably a blessing since prior to him nodding off he felt the need to point out some actor I have never heard of, some little known (or cared about) fact about the movie location or asked too many questions that I just didn’t have answers to. For example, we started watching 2012 a movie about the end of the world. The opening credits had just finished rolling when he asked…”why is the world gonna end?” I told him I knew as much as he did at that point and told him to watch and see. The first few minutes explained that there was some solar flares bigger than usual. “what does that have to do with the earth?” “I don’t know, let’s watch and see,” I told him with a snarky tone and with that he was out like a light. He woke up about half way thru the movie which is non stop action with buildings falling, things blowing up, and planes crashing tried focusing his eyes and then asks if he smells popcorn. I said yes you do, paused the movie and made him a bag of popcorn. I un-paused the movie and before long he was talking to the dog telling him he can’t have any of his popcorn because his mother (the dog’s, not his) would get mad. I assume I am considered the dog mother. I paused the movie til he finished his conversation with the dog. Somewhere between the popcorn and the ending credits he was asleep again snoring and snorting. I put the TV as loud as I could bear and finished watching the movie. He woke up sporadically, asked why the TV was so loud and nodded off again. In the end the movie sucked anyway, I think.

He went and made himself a cup of tea, put in honey from his little honey bear dispenser that I so want to throw out, and came back to his spot on the couch. The conversation went like this…

“What are we watching?” he asks as Barry Manilow is singing his heart out on some PBS station.

“Guess” I answered, “ but if you fall asleep and snore I am gonna blast this so that the neighbors can hear.”

“No, I’m awake.” “What are we gonna watch?” PAUSE

“We’re watching it, Barry sings his 70’s hits.”

“He only had 70 hits? PAUSE

“70’sssssss…as in the decade. Can I hear this now please?” In my best shut-up-or-I’ll-kill-you voice.

“Yeah just don’t put it too loud, you’ll hurt the dog’s ears.” PAUSE

“Rich, go to bed.”

“No, for some reason I’m not tired”

“Yeah because you slept and snored through most of 2012.”

“Did I, sorry. What happened anyway?” PAUSE

“I’ll tell you tomorrow, I want to hear Barry.”

“Oh, sorry. Is this a telethon?” PAUSE

“What makes you think this is a telethon?”

“Just seems like it, maybe to raise money for Haiti. Go ahead, watch it, I’m going up anway.”

“OK goodnight.”

But he never left his spot on the couch and stayed quiet til Barry sang his last note. After Barry I started watching the end of some creepy movie about ghosts.

“What are we watching now?

“Is there something you’d rather watch?”

“No I’m going up”.

The movie was a bit too creepy with dead people coming back burnt and broken. Or so it seemed. Turns out there were no burnt broken ghosts, just some loon they let out of her straightjacket too soon. I thought it odd that my husband actually watched without commenting, conversing with the dog or making a snack request.  I looked over....he was asleep.

I put Saturday Night Live on. Some skit with Sigourney Weaver about the disco era (which wasn’t funny at all) was on when he woke up.

“This is still on?” He thought it was still the Barry Manilow show. “That looks like the Aliens girl, what’s her name?”
“You mean Sigourney Weaver?”
“Yeah, I didn’t know she sang with Manilow?”
“Oh yeah, she was his back up singer for years”

“Didn’t know that…ok I’m going up.”    (Where have I heard that before.)

He put his cup in the sink, put away his damn little honey bear dispenser, said good night to the dog, kissed me goodnight and began his ascent upstairs. Before he got to the top I heard him talking to himself….’I didn’t know she sang with Manilow’……….

uh oh....

It's the New Year, a very Sci-Fi sounding 2010, and of course it is time to assess one's life and health.  I have always known that diabetes ran in my family...both Mom and Dad got it in their early 50's so I was not totally shocked when I began to feel symptomatic.  I was so thirsty all the time that I literally stood by the sink pouring glass after glass of water down my throat, lapping at it like some rabid poodle.  I just couldn't get enough water in me fast enough.  Of course that created another symptom, constant peeing.  In the day it was managable, but at night I would look at the clock and made note that it was about every 2 hours at which time I downed another glass of water.  Not smart, but thirst is one sensation that has to be quelled immediately.  The constant drinking and up all night peeing caused another symptom....fatigue.  I was tired all the time.  No energy other than to drink and pee.  And of course for me, to eat.  Then I noticed that when I awoke for my bathroom runs that my mouth was so dry my lips would stick together.  So of course I drank even more water.  The excess water I was drinking, too much to pee out in any one given day, caused me to have leg cramps.  You know the ones where your calf turns into stone and you cry out for your mommy as you try in vain to walk it off!   I googled diabetes to look at the symptoms.  I had them all....except one.  Weight loss.....figures!  It was time to call the doctor.

My doctor, a 6'2" skinny ass cardiologist was a nit picker about weight. !  His wife was a nutritionist who I am sure never had to lose more than 5 pounds of baby weight.  After going over what my typical menu for the week would be she tried valiently to counsel me on how to make different choices to eat better.  She wanted me to eat turkey sausage.  TURKEY SAUSAGE.  I am Italian....I repeat, she wanted me to eat TURKEY sausages.   I may have to cut out the sausage completely, but switch to turkey...sorry that ain't happening.  She asked me if I drank milk to which I explained that the only milk I drank was what little I put in my coffee.  She told me try to drink my coffee black.  Was she really trying to say that the 4 tablespoons of milk I had during the course of the day was making me fat?   She told me to switch to smart foods.  Smart butter....no taste. Smart  mayo....tasted bad.  Smart cheese....tasted worse.  I was given books, magazines and recipes.  I considered them then I threw them out.  They blamed everything that was ever wrong with me on my weight.  Sinus infection....lose weight.  Sore muscle....lose weight.    Pink eye....lose weight.  I got the message loud and clear...and if I could have, I would have.  So I did the next best thing.  I switched doctors.  To one that was overweight and could relate. 

They asked me what I had eaten so far that day, took two vials of blood and handed me a cup for a urine sample.  I peed in the cup (and on my hand), then dropped the cup into the toilet.  I considered fishing it out but then if the dip stick turned blue it could be because of the Ty-D-Bowl.  I confessed my clumsiness and was handed another cup to fill at home.  I left still thirsty, still having to pee, dry mouthed and tired.  But at least, I told myself I was on top of it full well believeing that I was going to be told that I had just overdosed on carbs over the holidays and I would be fine once I stopped over indulging them.  Wrong.  The next day, I brought a new cup of urine to the doctor, got chastised by the nasty nurse for placing it on the counter (it was in a plastic bag) and headed off to work.  I got a call from the doctors office about an hour later.  Their was sugar in the urine and worse the preliminary blood results showed a high sugar level.  And then I heard him utter the words I knew were coming....lose weight. 

The doctor put me on pills, which he said will make my stomach hurt, probably make me nauseous and could give me palpitations.  They more than likely give me diarehea and a headache.  So I wondered, tell me again why the hell I am taking this medicine?  I am awaiting a monitor from GHI that will allow me to prick my fingertip, draw blood and test the sugar level.  Far easier and more sanitary than peeing on a stick.  I am not looking forward to its arrival since my virgin fingertips have not be touched in years due to my long nails and I think maybe this is gonna hurt. I am on the pills 4 days now.  I have had small whispers of these symptoms but nothing like I anticipated.  My stomach rumbles and I am queasy at times but the rest I have dodged.  I am dieting again, unfortunately with a 'been there, done that' attitude.  I am learning to like green leafy foods and even broiled fish.  I have learned where the Produce section in the supermarket is.   I will not however eat TURKEY sausage! 

birthdays and big lots.........

My husband and I went to an old friends birthday party today. I don’t mean old as in…Happy 60th, I mean old as in we know her almost 40 years. It was at a Japanese Seafood and Sushi Buffet in Long Island. I was a little hesitant about the food because I don’t eat seafood let alone raw seafood, but as we all know the Japanese are also famous for their teriyaki sauces which I love. I would eat my sneaker if there was enough teriyaki on it. I opted for the teriyaki chicken, beef & pork, and even tried the mystery meat. All delicious. (I think the mystery meat might have indeed been my sneaker) The buffet had an enormous sushi bar with every imaginable fish and every imaginable vegetable wrapped in delicious sticky rice. What is it about that rice that makes it stick together so well? The cooking process? Some mysterious Japanese ingredient? Oh no no, I don’t want to think about that, must just be the rice cooker. I thought about peeling the rice off the sushi rolls, but the thought of having to explain fishy smelling fingers stopped me.

The adjoining party room had a birthday party as well, but for a Japanese woman. The guests were all….well, Japanese. So were our waitresses. As the guests from the Japanese party streamed through our party to get to the buffet (which they didn’t have to) they were constantly being stopped by our guests requesting water, chopsticks or napkins. The Japanese partiers didn’t understand English, so they bowed politely and walked on. You could hear people asking why the wait staff was so bad, or took so long to bring an item. I am sure had we asked an actual waitress for something we would have gotten it. After a while we all figured out that the restaurant staff wore all black, so when Mei Tai in her red kimono passed by, we knew not to ask her for tea.

My husband did his best to put the buffet out of business, but even he couldn’t make a dent in the enormous amount of selections which could only be rivaled by the dessert buffet. Melon slices, orange and red jello cubes, fresh orange wedges, itty bitty cakes of every kind from strawberry shortcake to banana nut. And cream puffs. My favorite. Teriyaki and cream puffs….heaven! Oh and they had an ice cream stand. It was soft serve, white and green. I somehow started a rumor that it was seaweed flavored and the entire other party went up to get ice cream. It was in fact, green tea flavored which to me was no better, but a total disappointment to the others.

After snapping a few pictures of the birthday girl and her cake, (most of us trying to hide a chin, a stomach or a bald spot) we sang happy birthday off tune but heartfelt, collected our souvenir fortune cookies and chopsticks and said our goodbyes. Now without sounding like a horrible friend, the entire time I was there all I could think about was the fact that there was a Big Lots in the shopping plaza across the street and a huge 99cent store as well……the combination almost as good as the teriyaki and cream puffs. Regardless of the fact that it took like 40 minutes to get out of one lot, across the street and into the other lot I had a wallet full of ones, a dollar store in my path and a grin on my face. (or was that the teriyaki repeating….)

Big Lots….big disappointment! Half price Christmas shit was in fact shit. The one thing I did find priced $5.00 and then 50% off that was a Christmas Santa in a Mets shirt of which I instantly grabbed two…one for my grandson and one for my niece. Just to make a point…the Yankees Santas, of course were all sold out at full price. I’m just sayin’……! My husband and I cruised the aisles finding nothing but regular priced stuff that we had no need for but would have bought if it was cheap. I did get my dog two types of doggie treats that came in a Santa boot….half price….two outfits for my granddaughter….full price…..discounted Gillette shower gel.…and one roll of half priced wrapping paper. Crap. To add insult to injury, as I am putting the Mets Santas on the counter I see that they are Nets Santas. Grrrr! Big Lots a bust I lost my appetite for the dollar store and headed for the highway.