My mother in law was in the hospital….again. We blamed the pacemaker. We blamed an ulcer. We thought it could be depression. Stress. High blood pressure. Low blood sugar. You name it we guessed it. Better to be safe then sorry….off to the ER.
Six hours and a tuna sandwich later they admitted her for tests. They thought it could be the pacemaker or an ulcer, possibly depression or stress. Her blood pressure too high, her sugar to low…so better to be safe than sorry they admitted her. Gee, I could have told them that.
After a two weeks in the hospital with no definitive diagnosis she was released and told to follow up with her doctors. The orthopedist, the cardiologist, the gastroenterologist and now, a new one…..a hematology oncologist. She called it her ‘blood doctor’ but I knew better. Apparently so did she since she asked everyone she knew if she had leukemia. I assured her she didn't although I was just being optimistic and asked her if she had a health proxy. She said, just let me die. We both laughed.
We drove to the doctor who’s office was across the street from the same hospital she checks in and out of pretty regularly these days. There is never any parking, legal or illegal so we agreed I would just park in the lot. I pulled in and pressed the button and waited for the machine to spit out a ticket that in due time would be exchanged for somewhere upwards of $12. No ticket. Press. No ticket. Press. Nothing. I opened my window and motioned to the indifferent woman in the booth. She asked me to back up and use the other lane. The other lane wouldn’t give me a ticket either, and so, as if it was my fault she got out of her air conditioned booth and gave me a ticket and an attitude. I was on my best behavior for my mother in law, so miss attitude caught a break instead of my fist. We parked, took the elevator up to the ground floor and a second elevator bank. The doctor’s business card had no room or floor on it so I called the office. The exact conversation:
“Doctor’s office.”
“Hi, can you tell me what suite you are in?”
“Hold please.” almost 2 minutes later...
“Doctor’s office”
“Hi, I am downstairs, can you tell me what floor and room you are in?”
Silence. Dial tone.
“Doctor’s office”
“Hi, please, we got disconnected please just tell me what suite you are in?”
“I told you 4G ma‘am, I am busy here.” Click. Best behavior…best behavior.
The elevator door opened and we were hit with a blast of hot air. I flashed back on every fire safety lesson I have ever had as a child as I thought for sure there was a fire somewhere. I knew between my mother in law and myself, stop, drop and roll wasn’t gonna work as neither of us would ever be able to get up again and simply perish on the dirty carpeting in the hallway of the 4th floor. I peered down the hallway and saw no flames even though the heat was intense. We made our way to 4G which turned out to be a supply closet, but 4B had her doctor’s name on it so we entered. (So much for the busy little receptionist with the thick accent and lousy attitude)
The office had a small waiting room where there were 4 people already seated and waiting. A knitter, a snorer and I assume her husband and a woman reading a book called How Successful People Speak, and then proceeded to belch out loud. She's gonna need more than the book! As I filled out the new patient forms and sweat poured from my forehead, it was apparently clear what the heat was from….the air conditioning on this side of the building was not working. My mother in law who talks until you want to stick a metal rod in your ear and who is in denial about her hearing loss wanted to know why it was so ‘damn’ hot in there. After repeatedly explaining about the broken A/C, she turned to a me and said, ”I don’t think the air conditioning is working.” Best behavior…best behavior.
After over a hour of fanning myself with a mammogram brochure and being told by the knitter that I was exhausting more energy fanning myself and therefore making myself hotter, I was ready to scream. Thanks but no thanks for your unsolicited advice....go back to knitting your booties or blanket and let me sweat and fan in peace. Listening to my mother in law's stories about life as a kid, complete with the one about the lady who got scared by a pig while she was pregnant and had a pig baby, prompted me to ask the receptionist from hell if she knew how much longer it would be. I found it rather suspicious that no one had been called, and all too soon found out that the doctor wasn’t even there yet. Engineering showed up with a fan which would have actually helped except when they plugged it in it sparked and they whisked it away leaving us dripping and fanning ourselves once again. (Well, I fanned... the knitter, knitted.) My mother in law who decided to talk to her captive audience about how many times a night she pees asked what happened to the fan. I jokingly told her the air was fixed and she heartily agreed that it was feeling cooler already. We were finally called to the rear office where we remained for another 40 minutes before the doctor came in. This was an outing for my mother in law, a day away from her house....for me it was supposed to be my day off. She rambled and I listened to her stories as intently as I could considering I hadn't eaten since 7am and my blood sugar was probably 12 and my body could no longer even produce a bead of sweat.
The ‘blood doctor’ was about 4 foot 10 and looked disturbingly like the munchkin coroner from OZ. He was Phillipine, looked Mexican, had a German name and spoke with an Italian accent. Man I'd hate to see his family tree. And it got worse. When he spoke it sounded like he had just inhaled a helium balloon, and as he continued to talk I continued to look for a hidden camera, Ashton and the Punk’d crew. He asked her in his shrill, high pitched Italian articulation how she was feeling. I wanted to scream HOT! But I didn’t, best behavior. Best behavior. He gave her a clean bill of health, no blood disorders, no leukemia, nothing to warrant going to an oncologist, and no reason to make a follow up appointment. (ok I decided there was no reason for the follow up appt) As I hurried my mother in law out of the office before she began to tell yet another ''life in the hills of Illinois" story I realized this had actually been a good day. She was healthy, I had lost 6 pounds in the sauna office, I now knew not to expend energy by fanning myself and lunch was on her! Hmmm, too bad I don't like lobster!
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