stay! Nay!

Some moron came up with a word for having no plans to go away on your week off of work….STAYCATION! A clever combination of staying home and going on vacation. And then there are the morons like me who, because they gave it a catchy name, thought it would make sense to stay home on my one and only paid week off of work. It didn’t.

Counting the Friday I don’t normally work in the first place, and both weekends I haven’t been back at work for 10 days. Ten. One week and two weekends. Guess what I did with those 10 days. Laid by a pool sipping Mai Tai’s? Nope. Frolicked at the beach while getting sun kissed? Not so much. Strolled on the boardwalk with my husband in the cooling night breeze? OK let’s not get stupid now! Here are my ten days off, and if you are jealous, god help you.

Friday - My dog needed to go to the vet because he has allergies that make him stink and scratch and apparently deaf. (yeah, him and my husband…good God!) I had to cover the car seats with towels, lift his stinky ass into the car and waste most of Friday sitting in the vet’s office waiting room waiting for stinky to get washed, shaved (don’t ask) and medicated. $364 later I leave with a wet and shaved (I told you don’t ask) dog who refuses to get back into the car. After much coaxing (ahem!) he gets back into the car and immediately pukes just missing the towels. After cleaning the car in the 92 degree heat I needed a nap. When I awoke it was time to start frying. I had my niece’s block party the next day and offered to make a chicken dish that basically involves cutting, egging, breading and frying. I cut, egged, breaded and fried til my feet fell asleep and my knees went numb standing in front of the stove.

Saturday - I had planned to start the renovations on my bedroom that have been in the planning stages for weeks. Unfortunately I got up later then I wanted to and by the time I had coffee, read the paper and showered all I had time to do was vacuum the living room since the stinky dog’s bath had caused most of his shedding hair to….shed. I threw a load of laundry in, emptied the dishwasher, unclogged the toilet, set my DVR and off I went to my niece’s. After circling the block thirteen times, finally finding a spot only a block and a half away I realize I do not have the chicken. Back home with only a whisper of hope that the spot would still be there when I returned. Silly me! I parked, walked and finally planted myself in a beach chair and attempted to get shit faced on homemade sangria slurpees. Didn’t happen but it was great fun trying!

Sunday- Did nothing and was mind-numbingly bored. I watched two DVD’s both comedies, both stunk! Anytime an adult actor attempts to play a child in a movie, break the DVD! As the day progressed and the boredom took over, I was able to find more and more things my husband did to annoy me. Not a major feat mind you, but I was definitely on a roll.

Monday - Made a list. Put all the things I wanted to accomplish that day so that I could cross them out one by one and feel somewhat productive. I threw away the list when I started adding things like refill hand soap dispenser and check if the lone tomato I was able to grow on my Topsy Turvy was ripe yet. (it wasn’t ripe, it was gone….the squirrels had struck again) I went to the dry cleaner, the bank and the post office. I topped off this rousing day of festivities by going grocery shopping. By Monday night I was exhausted from all the day’s activities so I stayed in and watched DVR’d TV.

Tuesday - After Monday’s dismal showing and babysitting in the morning, I vowed to do something exciting. It was 92 and I wanted desperately to be on a beach. Everyone was either working, busy with other plans or hadn’t worn a bathing suit since 1974. Although I will do a lot of things alone, laying on the beach isn’t one of them so I began the bedroom renovations. I made one of my famous lists. That, unfortunately, took more time than I actually devoted to the room itself. I pulled off two pieces of paper that were already jumping ship and took a mirror and painting off the wall. Ok enough for today, this was boring and not what I wanted to be doing on my STAYCATION! (I hung the mirror and picture back up when I couldn’t figure out what to do with them.)

Wednesday - My daughter and I decided to go to the Staten Island Museum. Me, her and the four grandkids. We arrived to find the kids were afraid to cut across the grass since they had found and tormented a snake the last time they were there. I suppose they were afraid it was payback time, so we took the longer route on the brick path. (ok so it was only like 25 extra feet but hey it was hot out) The museum was wonderful and almost air conditioned. It was hard to avoid the 25 little girls with pink camp shirts and big attitudes. If one more pink chick knocked my granddaughter down they would have had to eject me. If one more counselor pretended they didn’t see their commie campers knocking down the dominoes my grandkids carefully set up to knock down themselves, I would have been in cuffs. We carefully navigated the rest of the museum so that at no time were we and the disrespectful cretins in the same exhibit room.

Thursday - I have no idea what I did today. I can assure you it didn’t involve the sun or sand or UV rays. I probably had my ass on the couch in the A/C . Oh wait, I do remember downloading two songs to my ipod and a book to my Kindle. Yee ha! Look out, livin’ on the edge now! And yes, if my memory serves me correct, I made 75 lollipops for a friend’s engagement party.

Friday - I shopped for the food I would cook later for my block party tomorrow. I had everything but the eggs delivered. The delivery guy is rough with the bags and this time I bought jumbo eggs for my special deviled eggs. (technically are made by my friend but since I took them from raw to hard boiled, I took the credit) I dropped the eggs. Twelve jumbo eggs on the kitchen floor. I salvaged what I could and asked her to do the same with the ones I could boil. I sliced eggplant, breaded eggplant and fried eggplant. I cut chicken, breaded chicken and fried chicken. If I never see another drop of oil it will be too soon. (Unless I am slathering it on my body in anticipation of baking in the sun.) Another feet numbing fry-fest….I was shot.

Saturday - Happy Block Party! From 9am until 9pm we sat and drank, talked and drank, laughed, ate and drank with the neighbors….most of whom I never met in the 24 years I have lived here. We wrapped each other in toilet paper, threw water balloons at our children, dodged bikes and scooters and skateboards. We climbed, slid, and bounced as men with three teeth apiece made us snow and cotton candy cones. We danced and listened to the DJ Nazi who announced that he had to leave at 9pm sharp and literally unplugged mid song! The cooler empty, the uneaten food that hadn’t gone rancid in the sun divided amongst the guests, and my feet were ready to revolt and simply not function anymore. I all but walked on my knees to my house. Refusing to wash a dish or do anything that resembled cleaning I planted my exhausted self on the couch. Thanks to my daughter and son in law, the block party was a huge success.

Sunday - Recovery. Slow, slow morning, coffee with a friend and the realization that my son (yes, the one that moved to Queens..sniff, sniff) had left a duffle bag here which I whole heartedly offered to bring to him. I sludged around for most of the day until it was time to leave for my son’s. Directions in hand, I got lost….found my way and thoroughly enjoyed an hour or so with my son in his still curtain-less apartment. (good thing they are on the 2nd floor )

I never got to my renovation project, never basked in the sun and did nothing that necessitated a post card….but I did go back to work today and truthfully I already miss my couch.