It’s official, I limp. My leg, the one that I already had fixed a few years ago, is killing me again. Not the same behind the knee pain, not the pain that the doctor swore would go away if I lost weight, and definitely not the pain that two Aleve’s every six hours was gonna remedy. This pain is different. It starts in my cheek. To be blunt, my left ass cheek. Runs down the back of my thigh, gets to the knee then magically rotates to the front of my leg causing my shin to feel like I just ran the New York marathon. Or the Boston marathon. Or even just walked up a flight of stairs at this point. I complained to everyone, everyone that wouldn’t tell me to lose weight. Everyone says it sounds like sciatica. So I googled it. (while we’re on the subject, what do you get when you google, GOOGLE?) Sciatica is a condition caused by the sciatic nerve becoming inflamed…what inflames it, it doesn’t really say. Could be this, could be that, might be the other thing….so googling wasn’t the answer.
At the suggestion of another friend (who did hint at weight loss) I called the local chiropractor. He has been in business since the 70’s and is a character and a half. He lives above his office with his ‘Ma’. ‘Ma’ has never been seen so I am usually thinking 'Norman Bates' when I am on his table and if he ever starts a taxidermy collection I will find another doctor, pronto. The last time I was there which was for migraine headaches….he put his hands on both sides of my head and like a killer ninja twisted my neck around so fast that I thought I was destined to die within minutes. Instead the headaches went away immediately. Of course I had a stiff neck for like a month, but the headaches were gone and never came back. He was my hero back then, so I had no trepidations in calling him for an appointment. I got his machine and started to leave a message when he picked up mid message….chewing. Not his secretary, not a service, just him in full oral mastication. I explained who I was, what was wrong and that I would like to come in as soon as possible. In between chews he said “YES”. Just “yes”. After several more questions to ascertain when he wanted me to come in he told me his ‘Ma’ died. I am not even sure how he snuck that in to the conversation but it was out there now and I had to deal with it. After telling me that she had been ill for months, and telling me that she was in a better place, and describing how his world crumbled when she died and how he was sure he couldn’t live without her, I realized that he hadn’t told me when she passed on. So I asked. Bad move! Wednesday….this was Thursday! So ‘Ma’ died yesterday and two days before he wanted to see me. The man that doesn’t want to live without his ‘Ma’ was gonna massage my left ass cheek and potentially cripple me. I just know it! The pain in my leg was subsiding or was it mind over matter?! I told him I would be away for a few days and that I would call him when I got back, extended my condolences again, hung up and googled ‘chiropractors’. Dr. Bates would have to heal a bit more mentally before I let him manipulate, knead or twist any body parts.
I went back on the computer and looked up everything that included the words pain and leg and came up empty. I did find a website for sciatic pain exercises. Since my printer decided to fail at this crucial moment I drew small pictures of what I was supposed to look like when I got into the positions the website deemed miracles for sciatica. I got down on all fours only to immediately have the dog bound over thinking it was playtime. After distracting him with a chew toy (and threatening to cut off his already cut off balls) I began to arrange my legs into the positions I had drawn. Now the problem with my stick figure drawings is that I am not, I repeat...not, a stick figure. So when the bad leg has to cross underneath the good leg I had to wonder, where does my stomach go? I pushed the bad leg as far as it would go, heard something snap….waited, felt no pain…..so I continued. The pulling sensation on my left ass cheek told me that I was doing the exercise right and if the website was right, after a few times I should be good as new. Like bothering a bad tooth, it both hurt and felt good at the same time. I was ready to move on to the next poorly drawn exercise which involved pulling the balls of my feet toward my body while practically laying face down on the floor. Don’t bother trying to picture it, you can’t do it. Well I guess it can be done, but not by me and certainly not by anyone who has breasts or a stomach and an inflamed ass cheek from dreaded sciatic nerve disorder that I have come to self diagnose.
I attempted to go back to the first exercise that I had mastered only this time when I heard the snap….something snapped. The pain radiated down my leg, up my back, across my ass and then everything went numb. As the tears welled up, believing that I had just made myself a card carrying member of the Christopher Reeves fan club, my dog came over and licked my face. This is significant for two reasons…in his eight years he has never licked anything other than his own ass and for the first time I didn’t care that he stinks. I accepted his compassion until thankfully the numbness gave way to great big waves of pain which at least told me that my exercise program had not crippled me. I managed to get back onto my feet and walked limped into the kitchen to find my Aleve.
I am calling Dr. Bates in the morning.
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