I had to take my state insurance test on Tuesday. I printed out the directions from the test center’s website and then I mapquested them, I also googled the address and printed that as well. I am anal. It didn’t help that my husband kept telling me to leave myself an hour and a half travel time…for a half hour drive…just in case there is traffic. He is the grand poobah of anal-ness. The letter that came with the registration receipt said that we had to be there a half hour before the test (which began at 10) or we wouldn’t be allowed to take the test and forfeit our test fee. I studied the night before more than I should have since I was totally burned out by the time I went to bed. I had dreams of floods and windstorms and every other peril I had just studied. And in my dreams I settled each and every claim before the next disaster struck or I woke up to pee.
After sucking down the last of a second cup of coffee I went through a mental checklist…2 pieces of ID, check….a #2 pencil, check….tissues in case I sneeze, check….cough drops in case I cough, check….2 Aleve in case I have a headache, check….all six printouts of the directions to the test site, check….and last but not least, my travel mug filled with coffee number three. The belt parkway was oddly empty and I knew this had to be a bad sign. It is never, ever empty at 8:30 am. When I got to my exit I turned on the radio. 1010 wins…needed a little news…didn’t want to over stimulate my already over stimulated brain with Lady Gaga this morning. An accident (which I am sure I could have settled expeditiously with my new found knowledge) on a parkway….three parkways away had caused a major back up all the way back to…you guessed it, my parkway. And there it was. Bumper to bumper traffic as far as the eye could see. I so hate it when my husband is right!
I finally arrived at my turnoff and needed to look for 80th street. 86th, 85th, 84th, 83rd, 77th…what the %&$! Since I couldn’t U-turn I kept going and in my perplexed state still located 80th Street even though it wasn’t in numeric order…(what is it with Queens??) and the complex that housed the test site.
The instructions clearly stated to pull into the parking garage, park and take the elevator to the 3rd floor and continue on to the test room. I pulled into the parking garage which was empty. Not a few cars empty, I mean empty empty…Omega Man empty….(for those of you too young to relate to the Omega Man movie, think I Am Legend with Will Smith....empty). I didn’t see any elevator on the first floor so I circled around to the second floor all the while bending my head down since it felt as if the low garage ceilings were going to behead me. The second floor was just as empty and no elevator there either. I went to the third and last floor of the garage…nothing! No elevator, no cars, no test site. I checked that my doors were locked and looked on the forms to see if there was a phone number. Again, nothing. I drove back down to the first floor still ducking but more confident that I wasn’t going to be decapitated and back up to the third floor where I saw a parked car that wasn’t there a few minutes ago and parked next to it. Right next to it. As close as I could, next to it. As I got out of the car I looked around to see if there was anyone lurking, skulking, hiding….you get the picture. I was alone. The instructions also said to look for a sign that said Test Site. No sign. I saw some doors. Locked. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a security guard and just like that he was gone…through a set of doors that said ‘employees only’. Not a soul around. I positioned my keys between my fingers the way I had been taught years ago in case I had to fight off an attacker. I could jab him in the eye and temporarily blind him giving me time to get away. Who was I kidding? With my short stubby arms the guy would have to be under 5ft for me to even reach his eyes and besides, I am sure I would be running and screaming….not jabbing and tai kwon do-ing. Another set of doors opened up into a mall. I felt like Dorothy landing in Oz. The garage, so grey in all its cement-ness and here was this super modern mall with amazing lighting and marble stairs. I was on the third floor and from where I stood could see clear down to level one. Not a soul. Malls obviously don’t open before 9. I called out a feeble unanswered ‘hello’. That’s it, test be damned, I’m outta here and I returned to Kansas and my car. Before I got in my car the elusive security guard came out of nowhere again only this time I was able to get his attention before he wafted out of sight again. I explained my predicament and he pointed me in the direction of a staircase I had previously avoided out of fear (ok maybe I just didn’t feel like walking up the steps). I went up those stairs, down a long outdoor corridor, around an inordinate number of overgrown planters and into a courtyard with stores, and office building and a Subways. Not the train stop, the home of the footlong!
The office building of course was my destination (although I did make a stop in Subways after the test) and I proceeded to the floor listed on the directions. It had to be the most humid day of the year and between the garage walking and the stairs and the corridors and the planters I was sweating like a pig. The elevator alone had to be over 90 degrees. I hadn‘t, until this point, seen a soul other than the shadowy security guard and a Chinese man behind the counter in the Subways but as the elevator doors opened there were all kinds of people walking back in forth in and out of offices all ignoring the sweaty fat chick that just got off the elevator. I started down the hallway and saw a ladies room which considering how much coffee I gulped down this morning seemed like a good idea. Locked. I passed a room with its doors open and lots of people crowding in…must be the test room….nope, Weight Watchers meeting. I continued down the hallways checking my watch (ok no watch, it was my cell phone), sweating and cursing until I finally found the room. It was 9:15...early with 15 minutes to spare! The sign on the door said it wasn’t opening until 9:45 with the test beginning at 10. Cutting it kinda close aren’t they? There was nowhere to sit. It was hot. I was early. There was no one else there yet. I had to pee. I walked down to the Weight Watcher room figuring to ask for the bathroom key, but as I neared the door I realized they might be thinking…‘hey where you going sweetie, get your ass on the scale”…so I got back on the elevator and went down and outside. It was raining. I thought about going into the Subways (I hear they have amazing breakfasts) but I had eaten at home and I already needed to be upstairs on that scale…so I passed. I sat on a wet metal chair grateful what little breeze there was. At least when I got back to the test site they would think I was rained on instead of just clammy with sweat. At 9:45 I went upstairs on the suffocating elevator, passed the locked bathroom and the Weight Watchers scale, down the corridor and to the test room. I tried the door, still locked and still no one waiting like me. Still nowhere to sit, I considered sitting on the floor but knew how long it would take for me to get up so I just leaned on the wall shifting my weight from one bad knee to the other. Finally a man came and jiggled the door, then another and still another. Then two girls. It was now 9:50. It had been an hour since I parked in the portentous garage. A woman sauntered up to the door, Subways bag in hand, opened it with a key, propped it open with a door stop and welcomed us. An hour later I was in Subways ordering a 6” Jared’s ‘healthy special’ on Garlic Parmesan bread. Oh, and I passed my test!
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