....loser

I have decided to attempt yet another diet. The only one that ever worked for me, albeit a short lived triumph….is Weight Watchers. The one that they modify every few years because someone decides that the current plan is too hard to stick to. That someone is probably 115 pounds. Bitch! I joined Weight Watchers in the recent past, lost some weight, got a milestone key chain, a pin and a bookmark with star stickers representing every 5 pound loss. I gained back the weight, lost the key chain and the pin and the stars fell off the bookmark. I therefore am looking into other options before committing again. I saw an online version of Weight Watchers but I know that I would cheat. When the time came to enter my weight for that week, I know I would make sure I lost at least 5 pounds even though I pigged out on Swedish fish and Goldfish Crackers. (my personal favorites)

I then looked into Jenny Craig. Many years ago I joined Jenny Craig and never the optimist, I signed up and paid for a lifetime membership, just in case I failed. And I did. Several times. The experience was upsetting to say the least, to my ego and my wallet. After paying over $100 a week for what amounted to tasty but hummingbird portions, I lost 6 pounds. And I am sure I peed most of that out the first day. The next few weeks cost me a small fortune and my weight loss even smaller. I thought, this is not the plan for me and decided half-heartedly to move on. I looked into NutriSystem. Their plan involved picking a 28 day menu which is delivered by mail. It takes me 20 minutes to decide what I want for lunch on any given day, chosing 28 meals would take me more time than I was prepared to invest.
  

I went to Walgreens to price the Slim Fast products. They had shakes and bars. They had sugar free, carb free, lactose free and gluton free…the only thing not advertised was taste free. On to the Medifast Plan. This was kind of a combination of Slim Fast with bars and shakes, and NutriSystem because you order food in bulk and I would have been willing to give it a try except for one thing. The snack list….hyped as delicious healthy snacks they included soy crisps, vegetable crackers, celery, pickles and gum. Are they friggin kidding? Where are the Ho-Ho’s? The Yodels? The cookie dough? I know there is a diet out there for me….I just have to keep looking.

Atkins, Cabbage Soup, South Beach, Grapefruit Diet, the Zone, e-diet all great diets in their own right, all wrong for me. The one thing they all have in common is the fact that you need to couple the diet plan with an exercise plan. I have nothing against exercise, I even bought the Richard Simmons Sweatin’ To The Oldies tapes. Unfortunately by the time I got around to opening them my VHS player turned into a DVD player and the tapes are still….well, VHS tapes. Do they make these in disks?   I like to walk, just not fast, or uphill, or far, or in the summer, or the cold.  I bought an exercise ball.  Where did I put that thing anyway?  I even thought of getting a personal trainer like they have on the Biggest Loser, but I know the first time they made me work  hard enough to puke, the trainer would be officially pink slipped.  I could join a gym....if I had $500 to honor a contract I will use twice, at best,  after the intial signing.  I could do yoga if I didn't giggle everytime the instructor said to get into the downward dog or the extended puppy position.  These choices are exhausting....maybe I should just stay fat.  Twinkie, anyone?