the day after

First of all, I hope everyone’s holidays were as amazing as mine. If they weren’t look to the future where things are brighter….to quote one particular redhead, the sun will come out tomorrow! ( at worst a few days after that)

This, being the day after, is the day when I begin to slowly (I repeat, slowly) organize the joyful chaos that has ensued for the past two days. My husband, son and I began the ritual somewhere around noon. It is nearing midnight and and some twelve hours later we have made little to no progress.

The first mission was to vacuum up all the little wrapping paper remnants. And speaking of wrapping paper. Four years ago when a local card store was going out of business I bought all the Christmas Spongebob paper they had at a discounted rate. (Mr. Wonderful and now my granddaughter love Spongebob.) For four years I have wrapped gifts in that paper and if I never see another sponge in a Santa’s hat it will be too soon. When my husband and I made our annual pilgrimage to Walgreens on Christmas night for their 50% off sale, I bought some wrapping paper. I chose ones for their cheery sentiments HO HO HO, or their colors, RED GREEN RED GREEN RED or the amount of square feet on the roll. I hadn’t noticed until I got home that they all said Feliz Navidad instead of Merry Christmas. I will be back at Walgreens tomorrow exchanging the paper, por favor.

Shortly after I finished vacuuming, my husband decided he should put together a gourd bird house that he got from my niece. They all know that Mr. Audubon likes to feed the birds, while simultaneously feeding the neighborhood pigeons, the probably rabid squirrels and god knows whatever else is lurking in my yard. But men must have their toys. The styrofoam that kept the gourd from breaking….broke. Into hundreds if not thousands of teeny tiny styrofoam balls which immediately adhered to anything within 2 feet. (gotta love static electricity) I took out the vacuum again trying to suck up the tiny white balls when my vacuum decided to eat a packing peanut. The sound it made was something like a cross between an injured animal and a sound I am sure I have heard many times in horror films. Oh please dear God don’t let me vacuum break…not now! Off….on. Screech. Off…..on. Screech. Ok I need to get the peanut out. Maybe I’ll just vacuum later.  The next step would be to get as many present out from under the tree and to their appropriate destinations.

My son who got hundreds of dollars in clothes, and even more in mountain bike apparel played with a dollar store wooden, twist-the-rubber band airplane most of Christmas Day and even this morning. As it crashed into light fixtures, the dog and even the baby, he was relentless in his quest to have it fly more than ten feet before crashing into something. He was determined to get the release technique down pat before it broke. Thankfully there were two in the package. The pile of gifts he should have been putting away, instead sat on the floor between the dog and the boxes my daughters couldn’t get home on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. Or apparently the day after.

The dining room tablecloth, which had more packing styrofoam adhering to it now than a science project gone bad, had to be removed to be washed since I somehow forgot to put on the plastic cover and ravioli and children just don’t…well you get the idea.

My husband and I took a break for lunch while my son flew his little wooden plane into things. I attempted to re-heat seafood that shouldn’t be re-heated and bake things that had already been baked. My husband will eat anything…..I opted for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Done with lunch, my husband announced he had to run an errand, and with that I was alone with my Styrofoam, broken vacuum and way too many chocolate ornaments.

Instead of cleaning up, I smelled and re-smelled the bath and body scents while trying not to inhale the Styrofoam balls. I spritzed my new colognes and sniffed the air. I tried on a top which fit and a pajama set which I really wanted to fit, but didn’t. I slathered myself with stuff from my Oil of Olay kit and imagined how my new pocketbooks would look on my arm and which one I would use first. I played with a punching reindeer pen for probably longer than I should admit, skimmed through real books, attempted to download ebooks and penciled in theatre ticket dates in my new address book. I treated myself to a piece of peppermint bark and remembered where I hid the last piece of chocolate pudding pie. I made myself a cup of coffee in my husband’s new Kermit the frog mug (don’t ask) and sat down with my Nintendo DS to try my hand at the new game I got which is supposed to improve brain function. I fell asleep. I woke to find myself all but encased in little styrofoam balls.

Anyway, I got the peanut out of the vacuum, I sucked up all the little white balls and some other things I am sure shouldn’t have been sucked up, consolidated the pilot’s gifts, hung the gourd in the tree and even attempted to trick a bird that’s supposed to sing when the plant its in needs water. I put it in a cactus. It screamed.

Merry The-Day-After, and to all a good night!

what partridge??

In the first month of O - Nine (‘09) the headlines gave to me, a black man to run the country.

In the 2nd month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me, A-Rod on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 3rd month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me, Madoff’s in jail, A-rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 4th month of 0-Nine the headlines gave to me, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 5th month of o-nine the headlines gave to me Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 6th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 7th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me drunken mother driving, Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 8th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me Ted’s family crying, drunken mother driving, Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 9th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me Patrick Swayze dying, Ted’s family crying, drunken mother driving, Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 10th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me Phillies fans are crying, Patrick Swayze dying, Ted’s family crying, drunken mother driving, Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 11th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me Tiger Woods denying, Phillies Fans are crying, Patrick Swayze dying, Ted’s family crying, drunken mother driving, Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 12th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me snow's really flying, Tiger Woods denying, Phillies Fans are crying, Patrick Swayze dying, Ted’s family crying, drunken mother driving, Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

perhaps Another Version

T’WAS THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS, WHEN ALL THRU THE MALLS

NOT A CELL PHONE WAS RINGING, NO TIME FOR THOSE CALLS

THE STOCKINGS NEED FILLING, GIFTS NEED TO BE WRAPPED

SOME KIDS STILL BELIEVE IN THAT SANTA CLAUS CRAP.

THE KIDS WERE ALL NESTLED ALL SNUG IN THEIR BEDS

WHILE VISIONS OF CHARGE CARDS DANCED IN OUR HEADS

AND DAD IN HIS BOXERS AND I IN MY SWEATS

HAD JUST FINISHED SORTING WHAT EVERYONE GETS.

WHEN OUT ON THE LAWN WE KNEW SOMETHINGS THE MATTER

WE SPRANG FROM THE COUCH TO SEE WHAT WAS THE CLATTER

STRAIGHT TO THE WINDOW I FLEW LIKE A FLASH

TRIPPED OVER THE DOG AND AND FELL ON MY……head!

THE MOON LIT THE NIGHT AND THE SNOW THAT HAD FALLEN,

WITH JUST ENOUGH LIGHT TO SEE WHO HAD COME CALLIN’

WHEN WHAT TO MY WONDERING EYES SHOULD APPEAR

BUT A CAB WITH MY INLAWS …IT BROUGHT ME TO TEARS.

THE DRIVER WHO HELPED THEM UNLOAD ALL THEIR STUFF

DIDN’T SEEM TO AGREE THAT HIS TIP WAS ENOUGH

HE WAS YELLING AND CURSING AND CALLING THEM NAMES,

AS HE DROVE OFF STILL BABBLING WITH UNFOUNDED CLAIMS.

“NOW HONEY, NOW SWEETIE, NOW BABY, NOW DEAR

YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE KIND AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR

I PROMISE THEY WONT STAY AS LONG AS BEFORE

AND WITH THAT THERE BEGAN A BARRAGE AT THE DOOR.

THE BELL IT WAS RINGING, THE KNOCKER WAS USED,

THE DOORKNOB WAS JIGGLED, I WAS NOT AMUSED

WHY DO YOUR PARENTS INSIST ON THAT GAME

OF COMING TO VISIT LIKE A RUNAWAY TRAIN?

THE CHILDREN WERE WOKEN, OF COURSE THE DOG BARKED,

“YOU GO TO BED EARLY”, MY INLAWS REMARKED,

THE INSULTS CAME FLYING.. THE HOUSE IT WAS COLD,

THE TREE WAY TOO BIG AND THE EGG NOG WAS OLD.

OUR HOLIDAY MENU, TOO SALTY AT BEST,

THE CHILDREN WERE RESTLESS, THE DOG WAS A PEST

THE LIGHTS ON THE TREE SHOULD BE BLINKING THEY SAID,

I JUST COULDN’T WAIT TIL THEY ALL WENT TO BED.

I SPOKE NOT A WORD, JUST CONTINUED TO WORK

I FILLED ALL THE STOCKINGS, I FELT LIKE A JERK

NOTHING WE DID WAS CORRECT OR ENOUGH,

THE GIFTS THAT WE BOUGHT WERE JUST NOT THE RIGHT STUFF.

THEY SAID I WAS PLUMP OR WAS I JUST CHUBBY,

OH THINGS THAT I DO FOR THAT MAN I CALL HUBBY,

IN A WINK OF AN EYE I WOULD TWIST OFF HIS HEAD,

I JUST WANT TO FINISH AND GO UP TO BED.

HIS DAD SMOKED A PIPE THAT STUNK UP THE PLACE,

HIS MOM WORE AN APRON WITH RIBBONS AND LACE,

THEY BOTH LOOKED LIKE ELVES IN THEIR STATURE AND POSE,

I’M GRATEFUL THEY CAME FOR THE KIDS, I SUPPOSE.

NOW CHRISTMAS IS OVER AND THE NEW YEAR IS DONE,

BUT I HATE TO ADMIT IT, WE REALLY HAD FUN,

AND I HEARD THEM EXCLAIM AS THEY DROVE OUT OF SIGHT,

NEXT YEAR WE’LL BE BACK, MAYBE YOU’LL GET IT RIGHT.

4C Blue

As you can see by the seven plus days since my last blog, things are kinda hectic here. Hour after hour I sat in front of my laptop trying to make a dent in my Christmas shopping list as my feet swell from lack of circulation. End result, fat feet. No dent. I scanned Ebay, Amazon and any website that promised a shipment in time for Christmas. If they offered free shipping I lingered longer on their site hoping for an idea, a great find, a wow-that-would-be-great-for-so-and-so moment! But alas, nothing came. I almost bought a hydroponics garden for a friend, (the one that grows herbs on your kitchen counter with no dirt) but then I thought, I have no counter space for this why would I assume she would like to clutter hers with something that could just as easily be grown outdoors. delete I almost bought Uggs for my daughter. Those are boots that look like you should be racing sled dogs. They are popular and comfortable so I hear. (I personally have never found ones that would fit over my calves) Sold out of her size. delete Candles are always a nice idea. But I think I bought a lot of people a lot of candles last year. Wish I could remember who? delete I did see several things that I already bought, at much better prices, but the fact that they were already in my house, wrapped and under the tree, I didn’t care one bit!   Note:  As I am writing this I have the Barbara Walters special on, (I DVR’d it) and she is interviewing Sarah Palin. I am listening more than watching and I just heard Palin say she can’t wait to eat Moose Chili with her family. God I hope she doesn’t run for president. The same knuckleheads that put Obama in office may do the same for her.

Anyway, I got my list out to check who I still have to buy for. Oops, everyone. The only ones that I have finished are my grandchildren. Six trips to Toys R Us and I am the proud owner of every wrestling figure, baby doll, and electronic game that is new to the shelves this year. They are wrapped and ready to go. Thanks to my son I found a site called dealsucker.com. Tons of stuff to look at. Tons of stuff on sale. Tons of deals. Ok too much for me, my head is on overload. delete

I wasn’t making very good progress on line so I decided to brave the mall. As I drove into the parking lot terrified that I was going to get my head sheared off by the low ceilings I mentally prepared myself for the stifling heat and slow moving sales clerks. I took the elevator from the parking lot making note of where I parked. 4C Blue Old age or fears of dementia had me repeating the parking level til I actually entered Macys.   4C Blue 4C Blue 4C Blue   Once inside Macys I was sprayed with colognes that I couldn’t pronounce or afford, offered $20 to take a survey which would take about an hour (I refused), and nearly killed myself attempting the escalator with the odd shaped shopping cart. I found gifts for a few people on my list and used three of four of my one-day-only coupons. Thoroughly feeling like I accomplished something great I wisely headed for the elevator to go to the 4th floor for the coveted boxes. The line there was horrific and I considered leaving, but a nice man explained that I was on the gift wrapping line. A lane shift and I got my boxes. As I headed for the mall elevator to go to parking garage   4C Blue 4C Blue   I passed Nathan’s. It was lunchtime and there is nothing more appealing to me than a Nathan’s hot dog and famous fries. Ignoring the low to no carbs diet I am attempting to adhere to, I considered a detour. Luckily for my waistline (ok so I don’t have one, but I needed an analogy here) the bags I was carrying were too heavy and too cumbersome to stop without running the risk of having my wallet and basically my life pick pocketed while I paid for my dog. I passed up the beckoning green and yellow sign and got into the elevator.   4C Blue 4C Blue   I pressed 6. Don’t ask, I have no idea how I did that. The doors opened, I got out and walked in the direction I had parked my car. Not there. A teeny tiny twist in my stomach…. stolen? I looked up at the sign on the wall where my car should have been. 6C Blue. Relieved, I found my parking spot, found my car and left the mall garage. Almost. I forgot I needed two dollars for the parking fee. I pulled over and found $1.85 in change in the bottom of my bag. The woman in the pay booth felt sorry for me and lifted the gate and let me out. I can't wait to get home and point and click.

Dumb and Dumber..........

For the past few days all I have heard or read about are two things. Tiger Woods car accident and the Salahi’s unwelcome visit to the White House. First of all I don’t care what blond Tiger Woods is texting dirty little ditty’s to, who he is canoodling with while Mrs. Gazillionaire is tending to the kiddies, and whether or not the blond in his bed is his wife. Hell I don’t care if he is sleeping with his dog. And second, if the Salahi’s did get in uninvited…then good for them. (hang on, I’ll explain)

Tiger Woods, is just another one of those wealthy black men who feel the need to date, marry and cheat on an attractive blond, white woman. (think OJ) For some reason when a young, good looking black man financially capitalizes on a god-given talent….they want white meat. The sisters have to settle for the kinda rich, instead of the really, really rich. And then they have kids. They aren’t white, they aren’t black…(think Obama) So when they grow up to financially capitalize on a god-given talent, who do they want? Asian?

Ok so he hypothetically cheats on blond #1, who by the way was a nanny until she met her meal ticket husband. She finds out about blond #2, chases him around with a golf club (how appropriate is that?!), he runs from the house (I like to think screaming) to his car where he promptly hits a tree or fire hydrant depending on which newspaper you read. Maybe he hit both. Either way, who did he hurt? Was Mr. Woods going to pay off my credit card debt this Christmas if he hadn’t hit that tree? No? So then why the hell would I care? Something does trouble me however. In the next couple of weeks more and more beautiful blonds will surface saying they had sex, an affair, a relationship, a dalliance, knocked books, made love, or got it on with him. And none of it would really matter if there was no proof. Hell, I could say I got jiggy with the randy golfer, but since I’m not blond, and cute as a button doesn’t count, I wouldn’t be credible. Why oh why would he text these…ummm women….knowing they could easily select SAVE and he would be history if they so choose. Was he not paying attention in class when Bill was done in by the soiled little blue dress? All in all another marriage will tank because someone couldn’t keep the little dragon under wraps. But Tiger’s wife will be fine, she is in good company. There are many other celebrity millionaire wives out there nursing their divorce wounds with tens and twenties. 

As this blog was being sent to post Tiger admitted some indiscretions, a audio tape was released on which he is telling one of his indiscretions that his wife has been looking thru his cell phone and may be calling her. Dumb, dumb, dumb! What did he have her listed under, ‘I’ for indiscretion? He should have used Nike, or Rolex or American Express….or any of the other endorsed products he will probably be losing right about now. Did I mention dumb?

The Salahi’s. Michaele and Tareq Salahi. Come-on?!….Bob and Carol Smith….slip on through! John and Mary Jones…..come right in! But Tareq Salahi…..didn’t he kill soldiers in Ft Hood a few weeks ago. Oh no, sorry, that was Nidal Malik Hasan….anyone see a pattern here? These two celebrity seeking individuals not only had the chutzpah to get all gussied up, drive to the white house without an invite, smile at the security guards and the secret service, and eventually shake the hand of our Commander in Chief. I think that bears repeating….our Commander in Chief, the highest ranking government official we have, and Tareq is shaking his hand. I went to Washington in the Spring and I couldn’t even get a supervised tour of the White House…and Obama was out of the country at the time. So they went through a metal detector, big deal. Ever hear of toxins, plastic explosives…..FISTS? No one is in disagreement that someone, actually A LOT of someones, dropped the ball on this one. Big Time! But to hear people making noise that previous white presidents had better security makes me want to gag! Obama appointed his security team, can we at least hold him a little responsible for this as well. And did someone forget that Mama Obama was white? But back to the Salahi’s….they want to be celebrities, now they are. It might be short lived, but their crazy stunt that landed them on the front page of newpapers across the country proves that we are still far from safe. What chance do you and I have if the most famous house in the land is unsafe? Lock the doors, the Salahi’s are coming to dinner!