rainy days and Mondays....

Ever since I was a kid I hated Mondays. It meant returning to the doldrums of school or as I got older, work. It meant that my weekend had ended. It was over. Done. Such finality always bothered me but then 24’s Jack Bauer came along and Monday suddenly became the best day of the week. And this Monday it ended. It was over. Done.

Jack Bauer and his C.T.U.  counterparts came along at a time when we needed a hero. Just months earlier our country had been attacked in the worst possible way, with civilian casualties. We needed someone who could run four blocks, scale a fence, climb a fire escape, blow off a door, run down three flights of stairs, bust through a steel gate and secure a warehouse without breathing heavy as he proclaims it to be “all clear.“ We needed someone who could snap the neck of a terrorist, torture an answer out of his brother or suture his own stab wounds all without even needing to use the bathroom. In eight seasons Jack didn’t eat or sleep for that matter. He said ’copy that’ more times than a Xerox salesman and rarely got laid. Sad part is, when he did the woman is usually dead before the ticking of the countdown clock begins. His female and less violent counterpart is Chloe Obrien. She can pull up a surveillance feed, move a spy satellite into position and track a cab in New York City (no easy feat) in less time than it takes her to put on lip gloss. She got married somewhere around season 6 but alas, him and the son she had all but disappear without even a mention in subsequent seasons. Keep in mind each season is actually only 24 hours otherwise her babysitting costs would have been astronomical.

If you have never watched the show (ahhhhhhhhhh!) I will get you up to date from the first season to it's finale so that when the movie comes out you will be ready. (or can at least hold your own around the water cooler) I will start you off slowly……….

Season One - Bad guys kidnap his wife and daughter, a senator and presidential candidate is threatened, the first of many Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) moles is exposed, and Teri Bauer, Jack‘s wife is killed………….Jack gets angry!

Season Two - Bad guys plan nuclear attack on L.A., the first of many attacks on CTU headquarters, Middle Eastern countries blamed for nuclear threat, David Palmer become President (African American and pre-Obama)………….Jack gets even!

Season Three - Bad guys plan another attack on L.A. this time viral, Jack‘s heroin addiction is uncovered, Jack’s daughter dating CTU agent ……..Jack gets clean!

Season Four - Bad guys derail a train, a Turkish family has something to do with the missing US nuclear launch codes, Jack dismissed from CTU and dating the Secretary of Defense‘s daughter (uh oh, she‘s a goner), slimy President Logan makes his first appearance……………Jack evades capture!

Season Five - Bad guys kill ex-President Palmer (and Allstate spokesman), Jack still on the run under assumed name, Russian terrorists threatening US with nerve gas, President Logan admits involvement in assassination of President Palmer…Jack captured by the Chinese. (don't ask)

Season Six - Bad guys blow up bus in suicide bombing, CTU gets Jack released from Chinese prison after 20 months of torture but somehow stronger than ever, President Palmer’s dumb brother is now president and CTU has another mole….Jack questions his government. (do you blame him?)

Season Seven - Bad guys in the Senate question Jack about his torture tactics, meets Renee Walker who becomes his love interest in final season (bad move, Renee), President Alison Taylor (Hillary-ish) pulling help promised to Senagal, FBI moles uncovered, White House under seige (and they thought the Salahi’s getting into a party uninvited was a problem)…...Jack dying from biological exposure.

Season Eight - Bad guys threaten NYC with a dirty bomb, miracle cure saves Jack, Middle Eastern President Hassan killed by Russians, Agent Renee Walker called back into service but sleeps with Jack and dies before even getting out of bed, CTU has yet another mole, President Taylor asks crazy disgraced ex-President Logan for help with peace treaty gone terribly wrong, Jack makes Chloe shoot him so as not to implicate herself in his escape….. Jack must go on the run, again! Forever. (or at least until the movie comes out)

let them eat cake..........

This week our civic association hosted a luncheon for 150 of the senior citizens in our community. It was a long day as I was yelled at, insulted and I am pretty sure one even growled at me. But I was also hugged, had my face stroked, and told by one lovely woman that I reminded her of her daughter who lived too far away to visit.

For the most part these lovely seniors enjoyed their lunch, the plants we gave as favors, the raffles we held. For the most part. We also had to deal with those that used their ‘senior’ status to vent about everything that ever annoyed them about getting older. As they filtered in, some in wheelchairs and walkers but most with just sure and steady steps, you could tell immediately which ones were gonna be trouble. It’s like going to the park and knowing that the snarky kid with the attitude is gonna push your kid off the slide. Ok so there was no slide and no pushing, but it came pretty damn close. All fifteen tables were identical. Colorful tableclothes, balloons, plants, place settings. Yet there was a mad dash for a particular table, and if they didn’t get the one they wanted….there was hell to pay. “I sat at this table last year” one man proclaimed.  “The plants at this table are bigger” claimed a woman who should have used a little more poli-grip. With some well timed mediation skills, everyone found a seat and spent the next ten minutes getting comfortable. On to the fruit cup.

The fruit was too cold. Too warm. Not enough pineapple. Too much pineapple. And the best….and this is a direct quote…”I’ll eat it, but fruit makes me shit myself.” Okaaaaaay…so take the fruit cup away from her pronto! On to the salad.

He hates onions. She has more tomatoes. I need more dressing. Less dressing. Gives me gas. Wrong lettuce. And my personal favorite….my gardener could have made a better salad. On to the main course.

Are we getting rolls?

-Yes, with the main course.

Are we getting butter?

-Yes, with the rolls.

Will they be cut?

-No, they are small rolls that are easy to cut.

Oh, then I don’t want one.

-Ok so you can give it to your wife.

She’s not my wife, my wife is dead.

-Ooops

The main course was a lovely chicken francese with potatoes and two vegetables. Carrots and a mushroom pea medley.

 

No mushrooms for me, please.

-Sorry they are already mixed in with the peas.

What?….I have to pick them out?

-So don’t eat the medley, we also have carrots.

I don’t like carrots.

-*%##!

The plates were delightfully full with truly delicious food which, for the most part, they all loved and desperately wanted to take home, I am assuming to eat for dinner. It reminded me of my mother who could eat for two weeks from the leftovers at Thanksgiving. (Surprisingly she never got trichinosis or salmonella.) She would pick the carcass clean and make little individual packets to eat at a later time. Lunch is served.

Can I have some foil?

-sorry we don’t have any.

Can I have a plastic bag?

-sorry we don’t have any.

Can I have a paper towel?

-sure

She wrapped her chicken, potatoes and vegetable medley in a paper towel. Doubt that will travel well.

-Note to self: Where there’s a will there’s a way…next year bring foil for the seniors! On to coffee and cake.

The cake was a delicious indulgent vanilla whipped cream cake with a rum base. That might have been a mistake?!

His piece is so much bigger!

-sorry we cut them fast. Would you like another piece?

No, I can’t eat cake. I am a diabetic. Do you have sugar free cookies?

-ummm, no sorry

Are we getting coffee?

-yes that will be out in a minute

Can I get a decaf?

-yes, it is ALL decaf

Can I get tea?

-yes we have tea too

Decaf?

-no sorry, we only decaf coffee

Well that’s stupid!     On to the raffles.

An initial mix up in the color of the raffle tickets set off a frenzy that rivaled the inquisition. They were so sure that their raffles weren’t in the basket until someone at their table won. They were so sure that the winning tickets were sold by the lady with the dark hair as opposed to the lady with the red hair because she ‘told them she had the winning tickets.’ Second note to self: don’t kid with the seniors, sometimes they don’t get it!

As the exodus began after the last raffle was called they were all handed a bag with two bagels donated by a local bakery.

Whats this?

-two little bagels

They have seeds.

-no they are plain

Good, last year the poppy seeds got under my dentures and I suffered for a week.

-no seeds, promise!

They were handed a bag full of goodies….a sports bottle, jar opener, pens and pencils…pads…..

What’s this?

-goodies!

Last year you gave junk.

-so this year you’ll have new junk. (I was tired and all out of people skills)

According to the consensus there was not enough butter or salad dressing. There was too much food and not enough foil. The coffee was weak and the cake too sweet. But they all had a great time and can’t wait to come back next year!

...gotta get a life

I love my DVR. For anyone who quite possibly doesn’t know what that is, it is a magical box that allows you to watch TV shows whenever you want….to stop, pause and chat when someone calls, to stop, pause and pee when nature calls, to stop, pause and snack when Twinkies call  and all this while zipping through the commercials.

I tape everything. (although I am not sure that ‘taping’ is the correct term) Even things I am sitting there watching. I tape just in case the phone rings or someone has the audacity to ring the bell while Jack Bauer is saving the world. I tape my soap opera because God forbid I don’t find out who is killing the women of Pine Valley or who slept with who and of course got pregnant on the first indiscretion. I tape pretty much every reality show with the exception of the Biggest Loser and Dancing with the Stars. I don’t like those shows. Probably because I should be on the Biggest Loser and I can’t dance. Now if they had Dancing with the Biggest Loser I might tape that. Sweaty heffers in gold sequined spandex cha cha-ing to “It’s Raining Men“….now that’s good TV! I tape Survivor, Top Chef and Americas Top Model. I tape Fringe and FlashForward, two shows that I have to watch at least twice just to know what the hell is happening. I tape the Oprah encore shows at 1a.m. just in case they show the lady that had her face eaten by a monkey (I missed it the first six times it was on) and the View if some YouTube sensation is gonna be on. I tape Sewing with Nancy a show that teaches you sewing tricks, taught by a woman that had a stroke (I think), so it makes it difficult at times to watch her crooked face attempt to say words that have an H in them. I tape any and every craft show, just in case I get the bug to create something….however after the latest bathroom fiasco I may lay low for a while. I don’t tape cooking shows, at least not the ones that teach you to cook. Don’t care to learn. Since my children are all out of the house now, and my husband will basically eat anything as long as it’s dead and has a baked potatoe on the same plate…I don’t want to cook anymore. I will however tape the cooking shows where they have to make dinner for like forty people with stuff from a 7-eleven or the shows where the head chef chucks knives at the contestant that pisses him off. I don’t tape American Idol this year. I used to. This year sucks without Paula. I love Ellen, but Paula’s babbling gave me something to fast forward through.

I tape Celebrity Apprentice, the Housewives of New Jersey and yes, I hate to admit….the Jersey Shore. I tape them because I like comb-overs, spoiled bitches and fist pumping. Well of course not….I just like mindless TV sometimes. No thinking involved. No reason to pause to pee. I also tape what I like to think of as ‘smart’ shows. Dateline, 20/20, and Primetime. Unfortunately the only ones I really enjoy are those about sex, drugs and celebrity murder. Oh, and Noah’s Ark. And the Shroud of Turin. And Anna Nicole Smith. What can I say, I have eclectic taste in TV.

Luckily for me, my husband hasn’t quite mastered the DVR remote. He can PLAY, FAST FORWARD and REWIND but he can’t record. He has me set up his shows so that all he has to do is sit in the living room, prop a pillow behind his head (which I repeatedly have told him are decorative not functional) and press play. Oh, and immediately fall asleep. While he sleeps I delete the black and white crap that he makes me tape. He makes me tape Have Gun Will Travel…a show that I think went off in 1912. Or maybe in the 50’s…but either way it is black and white. I have 13 episodes of House taped for him and he has watched the first 15 minutes of all of them. Play….and then he naps. Rewind…..and then he naps. Rewind….Nap…. you get the picture. If I am anywhere in the vicinity while this is happening I wait for the nap portion of the scenario and then delete. I am sure at some point he is going to figure out that he isn’t accidentally deleting them, but until then it saves my sanity.

I have figured out that while I can tape two things at the same time I cannot watch a third show….I can however, watch a previously taped show….therefore I am actually accomplishing the ultimate tri-fecta. Tape,Tape…Watch.

There is a negative to having a DVR. I watch ALOT of TV. Thankfully since I am an insomniac I have ALOT of TV viewing hours.