This week our civic association hosted a luncheon for 150 of the senior citizens in our community. It was a long day as I was yelled at, insulted and I am pretty sure one even growled at me. But I was also hugged, had my face stroked, and told by one lovely woman that I reminded her of her daughter who lived too far away to visit.
For the most part these lovely seniors enjoyed their lunch, the plants we gave as favors, the raffles we held. For the most part. We also had to deal with those that used their ‘senior’ status to vent about everything that ever annoyed them about getting older. As they filtered in, some in wheelchairs and walkers but most with just sure and steady steps, you could tell immediately which ones were gonna be trouble. It’s like going to the park and knowing that the snarky kid with the attitude is gonna push your kid off the slide. Ok so there was no slide and no pushing, but it came pretty damn close. All fifteen tables were identical. Colorful tableclothes, balloons, plants, place settings. Yet there was a mad dash for a particular table, and if they didn’t get the one they wanted….there was hell to pay. “I sat at this table last year” one man proclaimed. “The plants at this table are bigger” claimed a woman who should have used a little more poli-grip. With some well timed mediation skills, everyone found a seat and spent the next ten minutes getting comfortable. On to the fruit cup.
The fruit was too cold. Too warm. Not enough pineapple. Too much pineapple. And the best….and this is a direct quote…”I’ll eat it, but fruit makes me shit myself.” Okaaaaaay…so take the fruit cup away from her pronto! On to the salad.
He hates onions. She has more tomatoes. I need more dressing. Less dressing. Gives me gas. Wrong lettuce. And my personal favorite….my gardener could have made a better salad. On to the main course.
Are we getting rolls?
-Yes, with the main course.
Are we getting butter?
-Yes, with the rolls.
Will they be cut?
-No, they are small rolls that are easy to cut.
Oh, then I don’t want one.
-Ok so you can give it to your wife.
She’s not my wife, my wife is dead.
-Ooops
The main course was a lovely chicken francese with potatoes and two vegetables. Carrots and a mushroom pea medley.
No mushrooms for me, please.
-Sorry they are already mixed in with the peas.
What?….I have to pick them out?
-So don’t eat the medley, we also have carrots.
I don’t like carrots.
-*%##!
The plates were delightfully full with truly delicious food which, for the most part, they all loved and desperately wanted to take home, I am assuming to eat for dinner. It reminded me of my mother who could eat for two weeks from the leftovers at Thanksgiving. (Surprisingly she never got trichinosis or salmonella.) She would pick the carcass clean and make little individual packets to eat at a later time. Lunch is served.
Can I have some foil?
-sorry we don’t have any.
Can I have a plastic bag?
-sorry we don’t have any.
Can I have a paper towel?
-sure
She wrapped her chicken, potatoes and vegetable medley in a paper towel. Doubt that will travel well.
-Note to self: Where there’s a will there’s a way…next year bring foil for the seniors! On to coffee and cake.
The cake was a delicious indulgent vanilla whipped cream cake with a rum base. That might have been a mistake?!
His piece is so much bigger!
-sorry we cut them fast. Would you like another piece?
No, I can’t eat cake. I am a diabetic. Do you have sugar free cookies?
-ummm, no sorry
Are we getting coffee?
-yes that will be out in a minute
Can I get a decaf?
-yes, it is ALL decaf
Can I get tea?
-yes we have tea too
Decaf?
-no sorry, we only decaf coffee
Well that’s stupid! On to the raffles.
An initial mix up in the color of the raffle tickets set off a frenzy that rivaled the inquisition. They were so sure that their raffles weren’t in the basket until someone at their table won. They were so sure that the winning tickets were sold by the lady with the dark hair as opposed to the lady with the red hair because she ‘told them she had the winning tickets.’ Second note to self: don’t kid with the seniors, sometimes they don’t get it!
As the exodus began after the last raffle was called they were all handed a bag with two bagels donated by a local bakery.
Whats this?
-two little bagels
They have seeds.
-no they are plain
Good, last year the poppy seeds got under my dentures and I suffered for a week.
-no seeds, promise!
They were handed a bag full of goodies….a sports bottle, jar opener, pens and pencils…pads…..
What’s this?
-goodies!
Last year you gave junk.
-so this year you’ll have new junk. (I was tired and all out of people skills)
According to the consensus there was not enough butter or salad dressing. There was too much food and not enough foil. The coffee was weak and the cake too sweet. But they all had a great time and can’t wait to come back next year!
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