thanks, but no thanks

Going through my mail today I realize just how much junk mail I actually get. I got two postcards, one for me and one for my husband, from Monticello Racino. (not a typo - that stands for Raceway and Casino - catchy, huh?) Whenever we go to our house upstate we go to the Racino and make a deposit. The slots there are the tightest I’ve seen anywhere. This time they are trying to entice us back with a free Pitcher and Glass Set. What the $%^! ? Give me some free plays, or $10 for gas…maybe even a free drink at the bar….but a pitcher set?? I’ll stay home, save the gas and toll money and buy my own pitcher set. Thanks, but no thanks.

I got 9 catalogues. Two of them want me back so bad they are offering me a pre-approved credit line. Silly boys! Equifax is a little on edge right about now. It’s recycling night so those two will just have to go in the bin before I take them up on their oh-so-generous offers. There were two Toy’s R Us catalogues (one with a generous $10 gift card offer) and since the grandchild count is up to four, I will be keeping those and perusing. The other five catalogues were from companies I am pretty sure I have never heard of before and have no idea how they got my name and address. I looked briefly through those and they had the most amazing and different items. I actually started folding pages with the thought that I may order some of the amazing and different stuff until I saw how amazing and different their shipping rate was. And the amazing and different return policy. Thanks, but no thanks.

I got my son’s student loan bill which should have come with a little gun pointing out of the envelope since it feels like extortion every time I send a check. I try to make sense out of the fact that no matter how many checks we send the balance either goes up or stays the same. When I called to have it explained to me for like the hundredth time, I hung up realizing that I will just never understand the whole interest/principal thing…..what I do know is, like a mini-mortgage I will own my son in 20 years. Can they repossess? Hmmmm……….thanks, but no thanks.

Somehow lost in the pack was yet another, albeit late, Vote for Bill Thompson postcard. Since Bloomberg is already driving the bus, I threw that one in the bin as well. A very definite, thanks, but no thanks.

Bill, bill, bill. Why do I have three phone bills? House, cell, condo. Just seems like such a waste of money. Maybe I will get rid of the phone at the upstate condo. Or not. Too scary up there at night to be phoneless. Maybe the house phone. Nah, that won’t work because I would have to use my cell and I never hear it when it is in my pocketbook and when I do I can’t find it in time to answer. Ok so, no….I need the house phone. Lose the cell phone? Forget that….I will just pay the bill, bill, bill. Thanks, but no thanks.

I got two magazines. Popular Science and Newsweek. Yeah right! I got People and the Star. I make no excuses for these. I am a gossip junkie and must know who is doing what with who or to whom. I like knowing who is cheating on who with who. I also like seeing who wore what and of course I always need a running head count from the Jolie-Pitt household. I pay good money to know which Gosslin is worse at parenting, who’s crystal meth problem is coming out of the closet and Oprah’s diet secrets….ummm thanks, but no thanks on that one.

My mail included a booklet with coupons for the local supermarket that I don’t shop at and a postcard heralding the sale of yet another house in my neighborhood by, of course, a local neighborhood real estate agent who used to be a housewife but the kids got big and they got bored. I also got two envelopes addressed to ‘resident’ which I just threw out with out opening and nine, yes I said ‘9’ credit card offers imploring me to sign up and save. Thanks, but no thanks I have enough credit cards and I assure you I don’t save a thing.

Gee I can’t wait to see what tomorrows mail will bring.