the day after

First of all, I hope everyone’s holidays were as amazing as mine. If they weren’t look to the future where things are brighter….to quote one particular redhead, the sun will come out tomorrow! ( at worst a few days after that)

This, being the day after, is the day when I begin to slowly (I repeat, slowly) organize the joyful chaos that has ensued for the past two days. My husband, son and I began the ritual somewhere around noon. It is nearing midnight and and some twelve hours later we have made little to no progress.

The first mission was to vacuum up all the little wrapping paper remnants. And speaking of wrapping paper. Four years ago when a local card store was going out of business I bought all the Christmas Spongebob paper they had at a discounted rate. (Mr. Wonderful and now my granddaughter love Spongebob.) For four years I have wrapped gifts in that paper and if I never see another sponge in a Santa’s hat it will be too soon. When my husband and I made our annual pilgrimage to Walgreens on Christmas night for their 50% off sale, I bought some wrapping paper. I chose ones for their cheery sentiments HO HO HO, or their colors, RED GREEN RED GREEN RED or the amount of square feet on the roll. I hadn’t noticed until I got home that they all said Feliz Navidad instead of Merry Christmas. I will be back at Walgreens tomorrow exchanging the paper, por favor.

Shortly after I finished vacuuming, my husband decided he should put together a gourd bird house that he got from my niece. They all know that Mr. Audubon likes to feed the birds, while simultaneously feeding the neighborhood pigeons, the probably rabid squirrels and god knows whatever else is lurking in my yard. But men must have their toys. The styrofoam that kept the gourd from breaking….broke. Into hundreds if not thousands of teeny tiny styrofoam balls which immediately adhered to anything within 2 feet. (gotta love static electricity) I took out the vacuum again trying to suck up the tiny white balls when my vacuum decided to eat a packing peanut. The sound it made was something like a cross between an injured animal and a sound I am sure I have heard many times in horror films. Oh please dear God don’t let me vacuum break…not now! Off….on. Screech. Off…..on. Screech. Ok I need to get the peanut out. Maybe I’ll just vacuum later.  The next step would be to get as many present out from under the tree and to their appropriate destinations.

My son who got hundreds of dollars in clothes, and even more in mountain bike apparel played with a dollar store wooden, twist-the-rubber band airplane most of Christmas Day and even this morning. As it crashed into light fixtures, the dog and even the baby, he was relentless in his quest to have it fly more than ten feet before crashing into something. He was determined to get the release technique down pat before it broke. Thankfully there were two in the package. The pile of gifts he should have been putting away, instead sat on the floor between the dog and the boxes my daughters couldn’t get home on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. Or apparently the day after.

The dining room tablecloth, which had more packing styrofoam adhering to it now than a science project gone bad, had to be removed to be washed since I somehow forgot to put on the plastic cover and ravioli and children just don’t…well you get the idea.

My husband and I took a break for lunch while my son flew his little wooden plane into things. I attempted to re-heat seafood that shouldn’t be re-heated and bake things that had already been baked. My husband will eat anything…..I opted for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Done with lunch, my husband announced he had to run an errand, and with that I was alone with my Styrofoam, broken vacuum and way too many chocolate ornaments.

Instead of cleaning up, I smelled and re-smelled the bath and body scents while trying not to inhale the Styrofoam balls. I spritzed my new colognes and sniffed the air. I tried on a top which fit and a pajama set which I really wanted to fit, but didn’t. I slathered myself with stuff from my Oil of Olay kit and imagined how my new pocketbooks would look on my arm and which one I would use first. I played with a punching reindeer pen for probably longer than I should admit, skimmed through real books, attempted to download ebooks and penciled in theatre ticket dates in my new address book. I treated myself to a piece of peppermint bark and remembered where I hid the last piece of chocolate pudding pie. I made myself a cup of coffee in my husband’s new Kermit the frog mug (don’t ask) and sat down with my Nintendo DS to try my hand at the new game I got which is supposed to improve brain function. I fell asleep. I woke to find myself all but encased in little styrofoam balls.

Anyway, I got the peanut out of the vacuum, I sucked up all the little white balls and some other things I am sure shouldn’t have been sucked up, consolidated the pilot’s gifts, hung the gourd in the tree and even attempted to trick a bird that’s supposed to sing when the plant its in needs water. I put it in a cactus. It screamed.

Merry The-Day-After, and to all a good night!

what partridge??

In the first month of O - Nine (‘09) the headlines gave to me, a black man to run the country.

In the 2nd month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me, A-Rod on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 3rd month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me, Madoff’s in jail, A-rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 4th month of 0-Nine the headlines gave to me, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 5th month of o-nine the headlines gave to me Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 6th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 7th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me drunken mother driving, Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 8th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me Ted’s family crying, drunken mother driving, Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 9th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me Patrick Swayze dying, Ted’s family crying, drunken mother driving, Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 10th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me Phillies fans are crying, Patrick Swayze dying, Ted’s family crying, drunken mother driving, Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 11th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me Tiger Woods denying, Phillies Fans are crying, Patrick Swayze dying, Ted’s family crying, drunken mother driving, Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

In the 12th month of O-Nine the headlines gave to me snow's really flying, Tiger Woods denying, Phillies Fans are crying, Patrick Swayze dying, Ted’s family crying, drunken mother driving, Michael Jackson dying, Yank-ee walk off runs, swine flu arrives, Madoff’s in jail, A-Rod’s on drugs and a black man to run the country.

perhaps Another Version

T’WAS THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS, WHEN ALL THRU THE MALLS

NOT A CELL PHONE WAS RINGING, NO TIME FOR THOSE CALLS

THE STOCKINGS NEED FILLING, GIFTS NEED TO BE WRAPPED

SOME KIDS STILL BELIEVE IN THAT SANTA CLAUS CRAP.

THE KIDS WERE ALL NESTLED ALL SNUG IN THEIR BEDS

WHILE VISIONS OF CHARGE CARDS DANCED IN OUR HEADS

AND DAD IN HIS BOXERS AND I IN MY SWEATS

HAD JUST FINISHED SORTING WHAT EVERYONE GETS.

WHEN OUT ON THE LAWN WE KNEW SOMETHINGS THE MATTER

WE SPRANG FROM THE COUCH TO SEE WHAT WAS THE CLATTER

STRAIGHT TO THE WINDOW I FLEW LIKE A FLASH

TRIPPED OVER THE DOG AND AND FELL ON MY……head!

THE MOON LIT THE NIGHT AND THE SNOW THAT HAD FALLEN,

WITH JUST ENOUGH LIGHT TO SEE WHO HAD COME CALLIN’

WHEN WHAT TO MY WONDERING EYES SHOULD APPEAR

BUT A CAB WITH MY INLAWS …IT BROUGHT ME TO TEARS.

THE DRIVER WHO HELPED THEM UNLOAD ALL THEIR STUFF

DIDN’T SEEM TO AGREE THAT HIS TIP WAS ENOUGH

HE WAS YELLING AND CURSING AND CALLING THEM NAMES,

AS HE DROVE OFF STILL BABBLING WITH UNFOUNDED CLAIMS.

“NOW HONEY, NOW SWEETIE, NOW BABY, NOW DEAR

YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE KIND AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR

I PROMISE THEY WONT STAY AS LONG AS BEFORE

AND WITH THAT THERE BEGAN A BARRAGE AT THE DOOR.

THE BELL IT WAS RINGING, THE KNOCKER WAS USED,

THE DOORKNOB WAS JIGGLED, I WAS NOT AMUSED

WHY DO YOUR PARENTS INSIST ON THAT GAME

OF COMING TO VISIT LIKE A RUNAWAY TRAIN?

THE CHILDREN WERE WOKEN, OF COURSE THE DOG BARKED,

“YOU GO TO BED EARLY”, MY INLAWS REMARKED,

THE INSULTS CAME FLYING.. THE HOUSE IT WAS COLD,

THE TREE WAY TOO BIG AND THE EGG NOG WAS OLD.

OUR HOLIDAY MENU, TOO SALTY AT BEST,

THE CHILDREN WERE RESTLESS, THE DOG WAS A PEST

THE LIGHTS ON THE TREE SHOULD BE BLINKING THEY SAID,

I JUST COULDN’T WAIT TIL THEY ALL WENT TO BED.

I SPOKE NOT A WORD, JUST CONTINUED TO WORK

I FILLED ALL THE STOCKINGS, I FELT LIKE A JERK

NOTHING WE DID WAS CORRECT OR ENOUGH,

THE GIFTS THAT WE BOUGHT WERE JUST NOT THE RIGHT STUFF.

THEY SAID I WAS PLUMP OR WAS I JUST CHUBBY,

OH THINGS THAT I DO FOR THAT MAN I CALL HUBBY,

IN A WINK OF AN EYE I WOULD TWIST OFF HIS HEAD,

I JUST WANT TO FINISH AND GO UP TO BED.

HIS DAD SMOKED A PIPE THAT STUNK UP THE PLACE,

HIS MOM WORE AN APRON WITH RIBBONS AND LACE,

THEY BOTH LOOKED LIKE ELVES IN THEIR STATURE AND POSE,

I’M GRATEFUL THEY CAME FOR THE KIDS, I SUPPOSE.

NOW CHRISTMAS IS OVER AND THE NEW YEAR IS DONE,

BUT I HATE TO ADMIT IT, WE REALLY HAD FUN,

AND I HEARD THEM EXCLAIM AS THEY DROVE OUT OF SIGHT,

NEXT YEAR WE’LL BE BACK, MAYBE YOU’LL GET IT RIGHT.

4C Blue

As you can see by the seven plus days since my last blog, things are kinda hectic here. Hour after hour I sat in front of my laptop trying to make a dent in my Christmas shopping list as my feet swell from lack of circulation. End result, fat feet. No dent. I scanned Ebay, Amazon and any website that promised a shipment in time for Christmas. If they offered free shipping I lingered longer on their site hoping for an idea, a great find, a wow-that-would-be-great-for-so-and-so moment! But alas, nothing came. I almost bought a hydroponics garden for a friend, (the one that grows herbs on your kitchen counter with no dirt) but then I thought, I have no counter space for this why would I assume she would like to clutter hers with something that could just as easily be grown outdoors. delete I almost bought Uggs for my daughter. Those are boots that look like you should be racing sled dogs. They are popular and comfortable so I hear. (I personally have never found ones that would fit over my calves) Sold out of her size. delete Candles are always a nice idea. But I think I bought a lot of people a lot of candles last year. Wish I could remember who? delete I did see several things that I already bought, at much better prices, but the fact that they were already in my house, wrapped and under the tree, I didn’t care one bit!   Note:  As I am writing this I have the Barbara Walters special on, (I DVR’d it) and she is interviewing Sarah Palin. I am listening more than watching and I just heard Palin say she can’t wait to eat Moose Chili with her family. God I hope she doesn’t run for president. The same knuckleheads that put Obama in office may do the same for her.

Anyway, I got my list out to check who I still have to buy for. Oops, everyone. The only ones that I have finished are my grandchildren. Six trips to Toys R Us and I am the proud owner of every wrestling figure, baby doll, and electronic game that is new to the shelves this year. They are wrapped and ready to go. Thanks to my son I found a site called dealsucker.com. Tons of stuff to look at. Tons of stuff on sale. Tons of deals. Ok too much for me, my head is on overload. delete

I wasn’t making very good progress on line so I decided to brave the mall. As I drove into the parking lot terrified that I was going to get my head sheared off by the low ceilings I mentally prepared myself for the stifling heat and slow moving sales clerks. I took the elevator from the parking lot making note of where I parked. 4C Blue Old age or fears of dementia had me repeating the parking level til I actually entered Macys.   4C Blue 4C Blue 4C Blue   Once inside Macys I was sprayed with colognes that I couldn’t pronounce or afford, offered $20 to take a survey which would take about an hour (I refused), and nearly killed myself attempting the escalator with the odd shaped shopping cart. I found gifts for a few people on my list and used three of four of my one-day-only coupons. Thoroughly feeling like I accomplished something great I wisely headed for the elevator to go to the 4th floor for the coveted boxes. The line there was horrific and I considered leaving, but a nice man explained that I was on the gift wrapping line. A lane shift and I got my boxes. As I headed for the mall elevator to go to parking garage   4C Blue 4C Blue   I passed Nathan’s. It was lunchtime and there is nothing more appealing to me than a Nathan’s hot dog and famous fries. Ignoring the low to no carbs diet I am attempting to adhere to, I considered a detour. Luckily for my waistline (ok so I don’t have one, but I needed an analogy here) the bags I was carrying were too heavy and too cumbersome to stop without running the risk of having my wallet and basically my life pick pocketed while I paid for my dog. I passed up the beckoning green and yellow sign and got into the elevator.   4C Blue 4C Blue   I pressed 6. Don’t ask, I have no idea how I did that. The doors opened, I got out and walked in the direction I had parked my car. Not there. A teeny tiny twist in my stomach…. stolen? I looked up at the sign on the wall where my car should have been. 6C Blue. Relieved, I found my parking spot, found my car and left the mall garage. Almost. I forgot I needed two dollars for the parking fee. I pulled over and found $1.85 in change in the bottom of my bag. The woman in the pay booth felt sorry for me and lifted the gate and let me out. I can't wait to get home and point and click.

Dumb and Dumber..........

For the past few days all I have heard or read about are two things. Tiger Woods car accident and the Salahi’s unwelcome visit to the White House. First of all I don’t care what blond Tiger Woods is texting dirty little ditty’s to, who he is canoodling with while Mrs. Gazillionaire is tending to the kiddies, and whether or not the blond in his bed is his wife. Hell I don’t care if he is sleeping with his dog. And second, if the Salahi’s did get in uninvited…then good for them. (hang on, I’ll explain)

Tiger Woods, is just another one of those wealthy black men who feel the need to date, marry and cheat on an attractive blond, white woman. (think OJ) For some reason when a young, good looking black man financially capitalizes on a god-given talent….they want white meat. The sisters have to settle for the kinda rich, instead of the really, really rich. And then they have kids. They aren’t white, they aren’t black…(think Obama) So when they grow up to financially capitalize on a god-given talent, who do they want? Asian?

Ok so he hypothetically cheats on blond #1, who by the way was a nanny until she met her meal ticket husband. She finds out about blond #2, chases him around with a golf club (how appropriate is that?!), he runs from the house (I like to think screaming) to his car where he promptly hits a tree or fire hydrant depending on which newspaper you read. Maybe he hit both. Either way, who did he hurt? Was Mr. Woods going to pay off my credit card debt this Christmas if he hadn’t hit that tree? No? So then why the hell would I care? Something does trouble me however. In the next couple of weeks more and more beautiful blonds will surface saying they had sex, an affair, a relationship, a dalliance, knocked books, made love, or got it on with him. And none of it would really matter if there was no proof. Hell, I could say I got jiggy with the randy golfer, but since I’m not blond, and cute as a button doesn’t count, I wouldn’t be credible. Why oh why would he text these…ummm women….knowing they could easily select SAVE and he would be history if they so choose. Was he not paying attention in class when Bill was done in by the soiled little blue dress? All in all another marriage will tank because someone couldn’t keep the little dragon under wraps. But Tiger’s wife will be fine, she is in good company. There are many other celebrity millionaire wives out there nursing their divorce wounds with tens and twenties. 

As this blog was being sent to post Tiger admitted some indiscretions, a audio tape was released on which he is telling one of his indiscretions that his wife has been looking thru his cell phone and may be calling her. Dumb, dumb, dumb! What did he have her listed under, ‘I’ for indiscretion? He should have used Nike, or Rolex or American Express….or any of the other endorsed products he will probably be losing right about now. Did I mention dumb?

The Salahi’s. Michaele and Tareq Salahi. Come-on?!….Bob and Carol Smith….slip on through! John and Mary Jones…..come right in! But Tareq Salahi…..didn’t he kill soldiers in Ft Hood a few weeks ago. Oh no, sorry, that was Nidal Malik Hasan….anyone see a pattern here? These two celebrity seeking individuals not only had the chutzpah to get all gussied up, drive to the white house without an invite, smile at the security guards and the secret service, and eventually shake the hand of our Commander in Chief. I think that bears repeating….our Commander in Chief, the highest ranking government official we have, and Tareq is shaking his hand. I went to Washington in the Spring and I couldn’t even get a supervised tour of the White House…and Obama was out of the country at the time. So they went through a metal detector, big deal. Ever hear of toxins, plastic explosives…..FISTS? No one is in disagreement that someone, actually A LOT of someones, dropped the ball on this one. Big Time! But to hear people making noise that previous white presidents had better security makes me want to gag! Obama appointed his security team, can we at least hold him a little responsible for this as well. And did someone forget that Mama Obama was white? But back to the Salahi’s….they want to be celebrities, now they are. It might be short lived, but their crazy stunt that landed them on the front page of newpapers across the country proves that we are still far from safe. What chance do you and I have if the most famous house in the land is unsafe? Lock the doors, the Salahi’s are coming to dinner!

really Black Friday

Today is Black Friday. I had two choices. To get up late, lounge around the house til I felt up to cleaning my house from the chaos that ensues every Thanksgiving or pull out my wallet, warm up the credit card and go shopping. I opted early on to clean. The memories of a previous Black Friday where normally nice people became rude and normally rude people turned into wild animals. All this for a discounted flat screen or a talking Muppet.  No thanks. I would rather re-load my dishwasher (for the 4th time), vacuum the nut shells from the dining room rug and put away the ‘good china’ til Christmas Eve. It didn’t turn out that way. I fell asleep on the couch watching a DVR’d episode of Survivor that I could have missed since it was a cheap recap show. I woke up at 5:45 am to the sounds of my husband gathering the garbage and recycling we had amassed the day before. I had called 311 earlier and left him a note not to recycle since they wouldn’t be picking up til next week. But he has his routine, and so of course he gathered the recycling before looking at the note. As he noisily made his way from the kitchen, passed the couch I heard my dog pacing in the kitchen. Back and forth, back and forth. His nails on the hardwood floor are always annoying but this was something else. Before my husband actually left the house, I opened one eye and asked what the dog was doing? He said ’nothing, just smelling around cause I moved all the garbage around.’ Ok, I didn’t buy it for a minute, but I was too shot to even sit up. I yelled for the dog to stop, he did and I fell back asleep. I woke up later than I wanted, stiff and hurting from the crappy couch. But the plan was still on…a lazy morning and babysitting in the afternoon for my granddaughter. Coffee with some friends. How plans can change. I got up and made my way to the kitchen which still smelled like my beautifully roasted turkey. I switched on the light and my feet went completely out from under me. I grabbed for both the counter and the stove, reached none and smashed down on my knees. The good one, and the bad one. Now I am presuming both bad. Like something out of a three stooges routine I slipped and slid til was able to stand, bracing myself on the sink. The floor was slick and shiny. Mr. Recycling had taken the greasy aluminum pans and took them out to the recycling pail apparently without bagging or washing them. EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM THERE WAS NO RECYCLING! Grease and turkey giblets everywhere. I reached for the paper towels…NONE. I looked under the sink for degreaser…NONE. I grabbed for some dishtowels….NONE. I crept from my perch and got to the bathroom where I pulled the towel from the towel rack and degreased my feet. As I made my way back to the kitchen I could see there was grease from the back door through the dining room and straight through to the front door. I hate him! I was able to find Fantastik, a mop and some more towels before I fell again. I cleaned the floor several times but each time I walked in it was like an ice skating rink. And in a few hours I was going to have my granddaughter who falls normally on the slick floor. So I washed it again. And Again. And then I was ready to tackle the rugs with the rug cleaner. No rug cleaning liquid. So I used super hot water and dishwashing liquid. There is a reason they sell rug cleaner and there is a reason that they can charge a fortune for it. You cant use anything else! Not without dire consequences. There were so many bubbles coming out of the rug machine that I couldn’t tell if I had even gotten to all the grease drippings. I emptied the machine and tried again with no soap…but I guess there was just too much in it the first go around, so it made another zillion bubbles. My grandsons would have had a ball. I hate him!

I realized that I had promised to pick up the candy for our local police precinct’s holiday party. I left the kitchen floor to dry AGAIN, left the bubbles to burst on their own and got dressed as fast as I could. Not very good at rushing, I got to the store and realized I did not have my pocketbook with me. I shopped anyway and told the manager I would be back in fifteen minutes. On my way home to get my bag, which my daughter offered to bring to the Toys R Us parking lot, I realized I hadn’t had breakfast or even a cup of coffee and it was already noon. I went into the Burger King drive thru and ordered a coffee with milk. I got a scalding hot, burn your tongue, sear the flesh off your lips coffee with no milk. I held back tears as I drove to the parking lot to retrieve my bag. Back at the store, the manager had Jose waiting to load my car with the candy. $450 worth of candy. I paid and the non English speaking Jose and I walked to my car. Now if you have read any of my other blogs you will know that I am not a big fan of non-English speaking people living in America. But today, Jose was my hero and he can speak any damn language he wants. We get to my car and there is a disgusting dirty, smelly man (could have been a woman…) sitting on the bumper of my car with one shoe off picking something out from between his toes. I kid you not! I said, ‘excuse me get off my car’ to which he replied, “who the %#*^ do you think you are?” Jose stood waiting holding tons of chocolate Santas. “I asked you nicely to get off my car, I have to put something in the trunk”, I tried again. “Shut up fatso” and continued to pick his toes. Jose moved the Santas to the side and went up to the belligerent toe-picker and in his best broken English told him to get off the car. Toe-picker just smiled. Then Jose said something in Spanish. I have no idea what he said but my shoeless friend got up and walked off mumbling something about me being fat and Jose being short. I asked Jose what he said, but he didn’t understand me…or at least pretended not to. I tipped him after he loaded my car and in English better than mine said, Thank you, have a nice day. Jose, man of mystery!

Next year I am getting up at 3am…gearing up for the crowds and going sale shopping. Today exhausted me!

and speaking of......

I watched the 2009 American Music Awards on Sunday night. I watched it again on Monday night, I may even watch it again tonight…yes I thought it was that good! Not the awards themselves, because other than Taylor Swift (who has like one decent song) winning so many awards it was a typical awards show. But the musical acts were all great.

I love Rap music. Not all of it, but I love Eminem and I love Jay-Z and both performed. Jay-Z and Alicia Keys did their amazing Empire State of Mind, the same one they sang at the end of the Yankee parade with Bridget Kelly doing a pretty decent job of Alicia Keys part considering she was like thisclose to Derek Jeter and if it were me I probably wouldn’t even be able to speak let alone sing. I want to thank Jay-Z for wearing a tuxedo to the awards. Of course he can well afford to keep a couple of them hanging in his closet, but with the sloppy gangster look so common, it was refreshing to see a black man in a white tux. Ebony and Ivory…..and speaking of Ivory….

Eminem, (the only accepted white rapper…forget Vanilla Ice)…was as usual Eminem. All thugged out, baggy, hanging pants and grabbing his crotch. I just want to know, what’s up with all the grabbing anyway. Adam Lambert did it, Janet Jackson did it…is it a chafing issue? something fungal? I doubt the choreographer said, ‘and 1, and 2, step together, step together, turn, dip, dip, crotch grab, crotch grab’….but ya never know. And what’s with the pants ready to fall off. I know it’s the style, but why? Are they so proud of their underwear that they feel the need to show them off? Can you even do this with tighty whiteys? Seriously, what’s up with that? Is it a black thing? A solidarity thing for the beltless homies in prison? Ya can’t run, can hardly walk…..and speaking of walking…

Ya should’ve seen Paula Abdul trying to make her way across the stage in her Morticia Adams dress. Instead of sexy, sultry it looked like she had to pee. Paula, you have a great shape, but come on…it would have been hysterical if you had fallen on your ass….and speaking of asses….

J-Lo fell on her’s. A lot more cushioned than Paula however. Doing her best I-can-walk-on-the-backs-of-dancing-men routine, she jumped off only to find herself flat on her ass. As fast as it was that she recouped, I am sure it was even faster that the back up dancer was fired. Hold my hand til I land on my feet….ooops! And speaking of oops….what was up with A-Rod’s flavor of the month, Kate Hudson. The dress she wore, provocatively revealed NOTHING…she has nothing! But as she tugged at the top it was obvious she thought something was going to fall out….guess again Kate. And beside Ms. Jackson took care of that whole nipple in the wind thing long ago….maybe Kate should have had the dress tailored. Speaking of tailors….

Back to Taylor Swift. When Kanye did his thing and interrupted her acceptance speech we all sympathetically fell in line behind her. But Favorite Entertainer of the Year?….over Michael Jackson? Even a dead Jackson is hands down a better performer than Swift. And speaking of dead, why was Jermaine Jackson thanking Allah for Michael’s award. His “Allah” wasn’t much help when Michael was on the floor dying of a drug overdose. And speaking of drugs….

What was Lady Gaga on? Not during her routine, but when she chose her outfit for the evening? Bones that lit up? How festive? And there were flames and a piano….didn’t Billy Joel do that once/ (We didn’t start the fire…) She’s weirder than hell, but I love her….or is it him? She pushes the envelope. She is my idol. And speaking of idols…

There were four American Idol finalists on the AMA stage…Kelly Clarkson who, even though her voice is amazing, hasn’t had a decent song since Since You’ve Been Gone, Chris Daughtry who’s arrogant face when he was voted off before he thought he should be has always stayed with me, Carrie Underwood who is clearly the most talented and beautiful of Idol alumni, and Adam Lambert. Hmmm, what to say?…what to say? He screams a lot and knows how to apply eyeliner better than I’ve ever been able to. He likes boys, maybe girls too. But can he sing? This jury is still out. And speaking of out….

Out!

happy thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving just around the corner, it is with a sense of joy that I lower my head and give thanks for the many people and things in my life. (Ok so that may have been a little theatrical, but you get the point)

I am thankful for my husband of thirty- five years. Thankful for the privilege of cooking him dinner night after night, day after day, year after year, decade after friggin' decade. For the feeling of elation I have washing his work clothes and pride when the filth is gone. For the enjoyment I get when I have to repeat every sentence until he finally hears me. But I am most thankful for the gift of his rhythmic snoring throughout the night. Sometimes I lay awake just listening to him... breathe. And I am thankful to those who have promised me an alibi when I have him killed.

I am thankful for my three wonderful kids who, while they gave it their best shot, did not kill me during their adolescence. I am still thankful for the nights I laid awake waiting to hear they’d made it home alive when they went where they shouldn't have....with someone they shouldn't have. Thankful for the warnings gone unheeded and the resulting broken bones. My most thankful days have been refereeing sibling rivalry, repairing broken hearts and soothing bruised egos. I am so blessed that I am still being woken up to go the emergency room, only this time with grandchildren.

I am thankful that my new doctor is overweight. I don’t feel the need to starve for four days before a check-up and he can appreciate my swollen ankles. His blood pressure is higher than mine and so is his cholesterol. I am no longer told that if I wasn’t overweight I would be healthier. Now when I get a cold or virus I get a prescription without the lecture.

I am thankful to my vet who has figured out why my dog stinks. $354 and he is cured. Well almost and not yet, but we are on the road. He has allergies. You were right Mr. Gore, the greenhouse effect has finally come home to roost…this unseasonably warm weather has made his allergies so bad that he developed a skin condition. (think old men’s elbows and the smell of an old age home) His stinkiness is diminishing, thankfully.

I am thankful for my bosses and co-workers. I see them sixteen hours a week and it feels more like 40. I mean that in a good way. (I think) One is bi-polar, another is deaf, one talks about food all day and one is Irish. (Apologies to my Irish friends and family, but there was just no other way to explain him. Think every stereotypical Irish trait….that’s him!) Then there’s the one that burps (don’t ask), the one that is on Facebook all day, and last but not least the one who gets goat stew from a customer. But what I am most thankful for is that I don’t work on Fridays.

I am thankful for DVR’s. I do not think that I would ever be able to go back to watching TV when it is really on. I zip through commercials and lose track of what day it is since I am watching my Monday shows on Tuesday and on Tuesday I am watching something I DVR’d three weeks ago. I am equally thankful for Thursday nights. It is the best night on TV with Flash Forward, Survivor, Project Runway and so many more. Point, click, record. Thank you.

 

I am thankful for so many other things, I am more blessed than I realize at times.  Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

cabbage soup

I have always known I wasn’t very politically correct. In fact I blame the woes of the world on political correctness. But this weekend proved to me that I definitely have to find a balance between correctness and ‘ok why don’t you just grow up’!     

I went upstate this weekend to meet up with my daughter who was already there with her family. It wasn’t a weekend I would have gone, the weather was bad and I had a lot to do with Thanksgiving around the corner and my husband annoys the hell out of me during the 3 hour car ride. But my grandsons asked me to come and soooo…I was there!

Before I was even packed I got a call from my daughter informing me that me house had been invaded by mice. There were signs of them in the kitchen, the living room, the laundry room and yes….one of the bedrooms. My bedroom, of course. By signs she meant shit. Lots of little tiny mouse poop. Before I put the For Sale sign up I regained my composure and told her to clean what she could, throw out anything that looked disposable and buy traps. And I didn’t mean the ‘oh let them live they are all Gods creatures’ kinda traps….I wanted her to get the snap the little bastard’s head off kind. The ‘gee this trap has my foot, let me gnaw it off trap.’ I wanted them gone and I wanted them to suffer on the way out. How dare they invade my house? Who do they think they are messing with? I am catwoman!

By the time we got up there….not a hint of a mouse and no mice poop. My daughter and her husband had cleaned up nicely and although the traps they bought were glue traps instead of snap the neck traps, I was glad that we were armed. I however would be sleeping with the lights on this night.

The hotel near my condo had a Scandinavian weekend. Or was it Swedish. No, Norwegian. Maybe Danish? Either way, there were lots of blonds. I tried my best not to call everyone Sven and Inga, but it was tempting. To distract myself from the mouse invasion and to placate my husband who has a incredulous need to see the show each and every time we are up there, we went to the Scandinavian show that night. Ula Oonga and Jaana Something-or-other were the headliners. While we sat and waited for the show to start, each remarking on how few people were in the nightclub so close to showtime, a blind couple were being helped in. They were escorted to the lower level by the stage and left there like floundering fish tapping their white canes. We couldn’t imagine why they hadn’t just sat down at any one of the vacant tables stage-side and enjoy the entertainment. When we saw the host come out and approach them we realized that they WERE the entertainment. He was the accordion player, she the piano. They bantered a bit first with each other than with the audience and then they began to play. We stayed for four songs, which was three songs too many, and when we realized they wouldn’t see us leave…..we left. Every song sounded like a polka and I only know the first two lines of Roll Out The Barrel. (which I am sure they weren’t actually playing) We left for the condo to battle the mice which seemed the lesser of two evils.

The night went well and no mice showed up but just in case my husband and I went to town and bought poison. Now poison is a tricky thing. You want it to kill the mice, hell you want them to down right suffer (well, I do) but we have a dog and 4 grandchildren, including one that would eat the mouse itself if she was able to catch it so we had to be careful where you put the poison. My husband wanted to put it in the cabinets. Nooooooooo….they hadn’t gotten in the cabinets and I was afraid the smell of the aromatic poison would draw them in. So he wanted to put it in the basement and garage. Noooooooooo…the kids play in the garage and the dog sometimes follows us into the basement when we go down to put on the water heater. He attempted to put it behind things, like the stove and the fridge. Noooooooooo…what if we move the stove one day and forget and the dog or the baby get it. My husband put the poison packets in his pocket and threatened to leave them there if I didn’t decide where I wanted them. Behind the appliances would be fine. I think.

That night we decided to treat the kids to dinner in the dining room at the hotel so that my daughter didn’t have to cook and we could spend way too much money on food that the kids wouldn’t eat and have to go home and make chicken nuggets anyway……..It’s the thought that counts! I called to see what the menu was. Seems that the Scandies like cabbage. There was stuffed cabbage, cabbage soup, cabbage slaw, and some kind of salmon and cabbage entrée that I couldn’t and didn’t want to pronounce. So we went to town to Michaelangelo’s where we could pronounce pretty much everything on the menu and the kids wouldn’t eat and we would still have to make chicken nuggets back at the condo. But at least we wouldn’t be farting all night from the cabbage.

This night we thought better about attempting the show since it too had names with double and triple A’s in them and if I cant pronounce you I am pretty sure I won’t like you. I did however see some cute little girls in cute little ethnic costumes go into to the nightclub, so either they were the entertainment or their mother dresses them funny. My daughter and I sat in the lobby attempting to steal a wireless internet connection without paying the $10 an hour they like to charge while my son in law frolicked throughout the hotel with my grandsons. The blind entertainment duo from the night before passed before us headed for the stairs. They seemed kind of lost so my daughter asked them if they needed help to which they said no. Then they made their way clicking and tapping over to the elevator bank. Thinking I was helping, I asked if they were looking for the elevators. Good job, I asked two blind people if they were looking for something. Why didn’t I just kick their dog while I was at it? Ok so there was no dog, but you get the analogy. An hour after that fiasco we saw them emerge from the coffee shop making their way across the expansive lobby. They were walking into couches, tables, doorways happily chatting as their coffee spilled and, I am ashamed to say, looked very much like the silver balls in a pin ball machine changing directions as they banged into things.

 

And then a thought came to me….if they had come to my condo they couldn’t have seen the mouse poop, they could easily have slept with the all the lights on, they wouldn’t be buying and fighting about where to place poison, or checking sticky glue traps for torn off rodent limbs.   How lucky are they?

.....whats right is right.....

There are times when things just feel out of whack. There are things happening in our world that just seem to get crazier and crazier. Yup, I read the newspaper, the way I do every morning and well….it just keeps getting worse. In addition to the fact that none of my lottery numbers hit, the news was very depressing to say the least.

An editor from the NY Post is suing because she says she was wrongfully fired after complaining about a cartoon which she thought was racist….cops shooting a monkey (who in life had just attacked a woman in Connecticut) and the caption read ‘they are going to get someone else to write the stimulus bill’ meaning that it was so bad a monkey could have written it. She along with others, thought the monkey was supposed to be Obama and it showed him getting shot. Only it wasn’t Obama it was a….MONKEY! A monkey that was in the headlines that whole week. In fact the lady that was mauled by that MONKEY was on Oprah today…poor thing. So who’s the racist? But she is suing and she will win because people who think everything is a racial slur have rights too!

Sesame Street turns 40. Wow…I guess I have been watching it since I am like 14...can that be? And why the hell was a 14 year old watching Sesame Street anyway? Rumors have been around for weeks that Cookie Monster is going green. Yup, like Oscar and Kermit. Veggie monster. Eats only vegetables instead of those bad, bad, fattening cookies he loves so much. Even poor Sesame Street is falling prey to this liberal shit that is taking down our country. Yes kids are fat, but I assure you it has nothing to do with Sesame Street or a blue puppet. Excuse me, Muppet! If they want to make cookies the villian then make cookie monster fat, not a vegan. But hey, even fat vegans have rights too!

The wife of a lieutenant has made available the contents of his suicide note. He killed himself after ordering the Tasering of a former mental patient…naked, raving and flailing a flourescent light bulb at officers. He fell to his death from the ledge he was perched on. The pictures of this man with his three children and wife make you realize that sometimes when you do a job like keeping the streets safe from both criminals as well as mental patients, sometimes things go wrong. Now, two families are devastated because the system that should have mandated the mental patient be contained failed and let him out. And now he is dead. Good job! Poor mental patients have rights too!

The recipient of some clothes that the murderous Muslim gave away before he shot up Fort Hood speaks out. He won’t wear the clothes, ‘its like touching evil,’ ‘I hope he rots‘….he will however sell them on Ebay and make some money. Did I miss something here? Throw them out. Give them to the poor. Tear them up for rags. But make money, no I think not….But opportunists have rights too!

Whack-a-do astronaut Lisa Novack who drove across country in diapers so that she could kill her lover’s lover…..no jail time. A year’s probation. When this orbital nutcase tries it again, and maybe succeeds I wonder if the judge will sleep good that night. Crazy astronauts have rights too!

Then there is the lawsuit filed against Target for selling a Halloween costume that had an alien head, an orange prison jumpsuit and a green card. Illegal Alien…Get it? Ha ha ha ha But Target will lose, and a law firm with cheap, tacky infomercials will win. Hellloooo…it’s a costume! Poking fun at felons. Yes entering the country illegally is a felony. I guess felons have rights too!

A Pennsylvania firefighter was suspended without pay for refusing to remove an American flag sticker from his locker. The issue started when a joke was posted on the outside of a locker which, of course, offended someone. To appease the offended party everyone was directed to remove everything from the outside of their lockers. Although several fireman protested, all complied….but one fireman did not believe that the one inch square American flag sticker he had left on his locker needed to be removed. He then refused to remove the sticker stating that if the flag offended anyone, they shouldn’t be working there. He was suspended. Last time I checked this was America…home of the free, the brave…etc etc and we were represented by an American flag. Have we all gone nuts? Don’t Americans have rights anymore?

thanks, but no thanks

Going through my mail today I realize just how much junk mail I actually get. I got two postcards, one for me and one for my husband, from Monticello Racino. (not a typo - that stands for Raceway and Casino - catchy, huh?) Whenever we go to our house upstate we go to the Racino and make a deposit. The slots there are the tightest I’ve seen anywhere. This time they are trying to entice us back with a free Pitcher and Glass Set. What the $%^! ? Give me some free plays, or $10 for gas…maybe even a free drink at the bar….but a pitcher set?? I’ll stay home, save the gas and toll money and buy my own pitcher set. Thanks, but no thanks.

I got 9 catalogues. Two of them want me back so bad they are offering me a pre-approved credit line. Silly boys! Equifax is a little on edge right about now. It’s recycling night so those two will just have to go in the bin before I take them up on their oh-so-generous offers. There were two Toy’s R Us catalogues (one with a generous $10 gift card offer) and since the grandchild count is up to four, I will be keeping those and perusing. The other five catalogues were from companies I am pretty sure I have never heard of before and have no idea how they got my name and address. I looked briefly through those and they had the most amazing and different items. I actually started folding pages with the thought that I may order some of the amazing and different stuff until I saw how amazing and different their shipping rate was. And the amazing and different return policy. Thanks, but no thanks.

I got my son’s student loan bill which should have come with a little gun pointing out of the envelope since it feels like extortion every time I send a check. I try to make sense out of the fact that no matter how many checks we send the balance either goes up or stays the same. When I called to have it explained to me for like the hundredth time, I hung up realizing that I will just never understand the whole interest/principal thing…..what I do know is, like a mini-mortgage I will own my son in 20 years. Can they repossess? Hmmmm……….thanks, but no thanks.

Somehow lost in the pack was yet another, albeit late, Vote for Bill Thompson postcard. Since Bloomberg is already driving the bus, I threw that one in the bin as well. A very definite, thanks, but no thanks.

Bill, bill, bill. Why do I have three phone bills? House, cell, condo. Just seems like such a waste of money. Maybe I will get rid of the phone at the upstate condo. Or not. Too scary up there at night to be phoneless. Maybe the house phone. Nah, that won’t work because I would have to use my cell and I never hear it when it is in my pocketbook and when I do I can’t find it in time to answer. Ok so, no….I need the house phone. Lose the cell phone? Forget that….I will just pay the bill, bill, bill. Thanks, but no thanks.

I got two magazines. Popular Science and Newsweek. Yeah right! I got People and the Star. I make no excuses for these. I am a gossip junkie and must know who is doing what with who or to whom. I like knowing who is cheating on who with who. I also like seeing who wore what and of course I always need a running head count from the Jolie-Pitt household. I pay good money to know which Gosslin is worse at parenting, who’s crystal meth problem is coming out of the closet and Oprah’s diet secrets….ummm thanks, but no thanks on that one.

My mail included a booklet with coupons for the local supermarket that I don’t shop at and a postcard heralding the sale of yet another house in my neighborhood by, of course, a local neighborhood real estate agent who used to be a housewife but the kids got big and they got bored. I also got two envelopes addressed to ‘resident’ which I just threw out with out opening and nine, yes I said ‘9’ credit card offers imploring me to sign up and save. Thanks, but no thanks I have enough credit cards and I assure you I don’t save a thing.

Gee I can’t wait to see what tomorrows mail will bring.

happy halloween

Halloween was this weekend. My feet still hurt from promenading the blocks in my neighborhood with my grandchildren. My ass is still frozen from sitting the next few hours on my stoop with my neighbors handing out goodies. Hey it was better than going up and down the stairs everytime a little ghoul rang the bell. This year Halloween fell on a Saturday so we geared up for the masses of vampires, witches and cartoon characters.


I had to buy my candy at the last minute since last year my husband ate most of the 'good' stuff before I got a chance to put it into the little bags with the skulls. As we navigated the streets we had carefully mapped out earlier, it was obvious how high tech we have become. Mothers on cell phones coordinating with kids and husbands....where they were, where they were going and more importantly, which houses were already out of candy. This year I was smart, I bought too much candy which turned out to be just enough candy. (It helped that I hid it.) Last year my neighbor and I were outside literally breaking up packs of gum to finish off the last few tricksters. I am happy to say Halloween is NOT a dying art even with the fear of razor blades in apples (who'd eat the apple anyway?) and tainted candy. The kids are taught not to eat anything without checking with mom or dad and I teach them to check with grandma first if it is covered in dark chocolate. I do not tell them why. They think I am so brave for taste-testing their candy.


The kids costumes were great. Super Mario’s, wrestlers, vampires, and witches. But the adult costumes were better. We had the Burger King (who looked like he ate a burger or fourteen too many), the woman attacked in The Birds (thankfully those annoying singing kids were not part of the costume…..ristle-tee, rostle-tee, hey donny dostle-tee, knickety-knackety, retro-quo-quality, willoby-wallaby, now, now, now), a gi-enormous ghoul (that scared all the kids except for my one year old granddaughter) and of course, Michael Myers (and his Jewish counterpart Michael Meyers who had a yarmulke).


When I came in after a long day, a little saddened by the fact that all I had left of my candy stash was three mini toostsie pops, I thought about trick or treating when I was a kid. Although for some reason I couldn’t remember a single costume I wore, I did remember the Smarties, Bit o’ Honey’s and red Licorice I had in my bag. I remember my mother and I sorting out the candy and pulling out the pennies we had collected. My brother and I always competed to see who had more pennies. He always won. He was allowed to go further and stay out later. But when he left to go back out, long after I was sidelined, I stole candy from his bag. Not much, just the good stuff.


I remember the big colored chalk that we used to put in old socks to mark the houses that didn’t answer their door. Hence the ‘trick’ portion of trick or treat. Kids today don’t do that but they will call you out on Facebook as cheapskates. I never used my chalk socks to mark people’s houses. I used my chalk to draw on the sidewalk. My brother called me names. I stole his Charleston Chews. He crushed my chalk. I stole his Turkish Taffy. He hit me with my own chalk sock. I stole his wax lips. Hey payback’s a bitch!


The night usually ended with us lighting our jack o lantern, which looked pretty shitty considering we weren’t allowed to use a real knife and had to do most of the carving with a butter knife. My brother carved most of the pumpkin because he had my father’s artistic skills. I had my mother’s smile. We lit it with the tall Sabbath candles the Jewish lady next door gave us every year. The seeds we fished from the guts of our pumpkin were always salted and roasted and we loved them almost as much as the candy we had worked so hard to collect earlier. And we always had the first of the season cup of hot chocolate. I remember going to bed with the scents of Halloween in the air….pumpkin seeds roasting in the oven, licorice and taffy, cocoa and milk, and of course the smell of burning pumpkin flesh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlbYXISw3Ug