Barbie is that you?

I hate Facebook. (I hate it every time I sign on) I don’t want to know that you’ve just showered or peed or shaved your legs. It is of no importance to me whether you dined out or ate in, watched a movie or have a cold. I don’t care what time you went to bed, or with whom for that matter. (ok maybe I am just a little interested in that) I hate looking at pictures of where you have been, who you have met, or what you have accomplished. (I am jealous)

I don’t know how to build a farm or cultivate crops and I really suck at keeping endangered animals alive. I don’t care when it says you are gonna die, or myself for that matter and no matter how many quizzes you take, you don’t now or ever will look like Barbie or Ken for that matter. I don’t want to war with the mafia and chose not to partake when you ask me for help to do so. I can’t send you a gun or a bomb and if I could I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be advertising it on Facebook. Since I can’t really enjoy the drinks you sent, I will not pretend I did and send one back to you. I don’t care what actor or actress will play you in a movie because I doubt they will ever make a movie about your life or mine for that matter.

I have seen how you looked back in high school and it really isn’t necessary to tag yourself since other than the ridiculous hair do’s we all look quite the same. And speaking of tagging, if you tag me in a picture make sure it isn’t one of me stuffing my face (could be quite a feat!) or smiling like I am constipated. Unless it is Halloween or pretty close to it, I don’t want to see you dressed as a woman (if you are not) or man (ditto) or Elvis. If you want to show me costumes from your childhood, don’t bother.  I have made more than my share of ghosts, disney characters and music icons....I am bored with the whole holiday.

I cannot get more than 25,000 jewels to drop off the god damn board in one minute and I have no idea how anyone really does. I think they must cheat. I can’t pop over a million bubbles and breaking bricks just isn’t my thing.

I will join your causes as long as I don’t have to donate any money. I will sign your petition as long as I don’t have to donate any money. I will participate in your surveys as long as…well, you get the idea.

The movie star/singer/tv personality you think you are friends with on Facebook isn’t real. Do you really believe Angelina Jolie is by her laptop talking to you?  It’s some 70 year old toothless woman in tornado alley sitting at her computer shoe-less and more than likely bra-less scratching her…..self.  Derek Jeter isn't thanking you personally for the kudos you sent when he reached his milestone...it's probably Pete Rose.

If you get a virus because you played every game, joined every cause, accepted every gift, and repeatedly update your profile......you deserve it.  And if you tag me in something that gives me a virus I will hunt you down.

If you think for one minute any of this is true, you dont know me very well.  I am addicted to staying informed, staying involved, and staying in touch....I am addicted to Facebook and I can't wait to see your pictures, join your cause, drink your drinks, take your quizzes, beat your scores (or try to), visit places and countries I have never seen.  I want to help you get through a rough patch at work, at home, with him or her.  I'd love to send you a knife or a margarita and if I get a virus, it will be worth the connection.  I love Facebook.