sheets

My son has a bed frame from IKEA which cost around $100 bucks. It was his sister’s originally but when she got married he inherited it. It is black metal and looks like a prison bunk. There are even handcuffs attached to the headboard but we won’t go there. I am a firm believer in…don’t ask don’t tell. IKEA has some funky odd European sizes, so his bed isn’t a Twin, not really a Full and just short of a Queen. So what the hell size mattress do we get? His mattress ended up costing about 6 times that of the frame since it had to be custom. And plush. And pillow-top. Yup, my son is a JAP.

He has one set of sheets. Two if you count the red ones he bought and doesn’t really like. The sheets cost $129 since they had to be Egyptian cotton and a minimum of 500 thread count. The sheets have to be queen sized to fit, but folded and tucked in order to look good. When it is laundry time they have to be washed, dried and put back on the same day. It suppose that it really helps that the sheets are black. I thought I would be the good mom and buy him sheets. Kohls was having a sale and so I found nice 500 count Egyptian cotton queen size sheets in royal blue. Thanks but no thanks, royal blue doesn’t ‘go’! Go with what? His comforter is black, his headboard is black, his walls are grey his rug is grey..(hey I think I am getting where the whole prison thing is coming from) blue doesn’t go? Even royal blue? What the hell do I know….I brought them back. They have no other colors that ‘go’….no grey or white or black. The sale is over and the sheet section is limited. At least in Queen size. I find sheets that are white, and queen, and Egyptian, and 300 thread count. Since I really don’t believe my son’s ass can tell the difference, I will quietly change the 3 to a 5 with a permanent marker. Cleopatra herself would have loved these sheets. Best of all, it was buy one get one free. I found yet another queen, Egyptian, 300 count in black. It was like panning for gold and the big nuggets just surfaced. There was no price. I looked on the package, on the sign, on the tag…no price. I knew I was in trouble.

 

I lugged the sheets to one of the scanners they have scattered around the store. The little boy in front of me scanned four different action figures with no problem but when I tried the sheets, nothing. I tried again, nothing. Third times a charm…..$179.00 and get one free. One hundred and seventy nine dollars for sheets. White sheets. Plain, boring white sheets. Oh but I get one free…so I do the math in my head….duh….and the sheets are only $90.00 each. What the #%@*??? I buy my sheets in Telco or at the Flea Market where they are a manageable $25 a set. OK so they are made in Pakistan and probably will spontaneously combust one day, but hey I can change my sheets and not have to wait for them to dry. Since I don’t want my son to combust or his JAP ass to chafe on cheap sheets I purchased the buy one get one free sheets. Your welcome, son.