lies, all lies

My mother lied to me as I’m sure I have lied to my kids. They, in turn, are now lying to theirs. And I don’t mean about the tooth fairy or Easter Bunny.   15 lies my mother told me:

1. It’s just baby fat. Yes it was….and then it was teenage fat, and adolescent fat and now adult fat. My whole life I’ve been waiting for those baby rolls to go away, instead they escalated to a bakers dozen and then some.

2. I love you both the same but why cant you be like your brother? Why? Because if I was then I would have a penis and bathe once a week. Any other questions?

3. Never put shoes on the table, it’s bad luck. What’s gonna happen, are the shoe police gonna come and confiscate my Payless BOGO’s. (By One Get One) It’s not bad luck, its just disgusting.

4. Your eyes are bigger than your stomach. Have you seen my stomach? Wrong again mom. (see #1)

5. You’re not dumb, your just not trying! Yes Mom I was dumb. Cute as a button perhaps, but dumb as a stone. Math, not my forte. Science, forget it. History, not so much! I tried Mom I really did.

6. I’m gonna count to three! No your not. You never get to three. You either never start counting or you play the 2, 2 ½, 2 3/4 game….

7. Sitting too close to the TV will hurt your eyes. - Then why the hell did you put the couch where you did?

8. If you swallow a pit it will grow in your stomach. By your calculations I have a small orange grove, a watermelon patch and several cherry trees thriving in my gut. Hey maybe that’s why I cant lose weight, and they say fruit is good for you?!

9. Don’t make that face, it will freeze that way - If Jim Carrey’s face didn’t freeze I think I am relatively safe.

10. Two wrongs don’t make a right - Yeah OK but to tell you the truth it feels mighty good. Sometimes that second wrong is just necessary.

11. Act your age. I was four the first time I heard this. I must have been acting 3.

12. You better quit while your ahead - Somehow I doubt Michael Phelps and Lance Armstrong’s mom ever said this to them.

13. Eat your dinner… there are starving kids in other countries that would love the food on your plate. OK, so mail it to them. The peas stink…they are canned and salty and what kid likes peas anyway? Besides I think before Angelina adopts them all, the starving kids would rather a Twinkie or maybe something chocolate instead.

14. Wear clean bloomers in case you get hit by a car. Thanks Mom, but if I get hit by a car and the blood doesn’t ruin the outfit then I am pretty sure I will have shit myself anyway.

15. You’ll understand when you have kids of your own. Sorry I am still in the dark and my oldest is 34.