in the middle of the night

I have insomnia. I get maybe four hours of sleep a night. They say it is bad for you. I agree. You have no idea the oddities that go on throughout the night while the world sleeps. (well at least this half of the world) Did you know that all through the night the ice maker in the fridge is busying itself making ice.   It knows, somehow, that right before you went to bed you threw five ice cubes in the dog’s water bowl and sets upon the task of replenishing.

Many of the tv channels go off the air after showing at least three hours of paid programming. (which simply translated into English means selling shit to those of us who are almost brain dead from lack of sleep) There is no music or flag waving like years ago, just a blue screen that says….off air. It is a little sad and a cue for me to go get the Nyquil (the stuffy, sneezy, coughing, aching, fever why the hell did I buy that pocket fisherman medicine) or I will never be able to function tomorrow.

The scary scurrying animals come out. I hear them rifling through my garbage. The possum, the raccoon and some other rodents I would rather not know are scampering around thisclose to my doors. I live in the city, but at least at my house upstate when things are scampering they are deer and chipmunks. Ya know, like Bambi and Alvin (and even the lesser know  Simon and Theodore).

The dog farts. Often. Maybe because it is quiet, or maybe because the doors and windows are closed….but my dog farts constantly all night and certainly more than during the day. He jumps up, does a little side step, looks at his ass as if to ask, what was that? was that me? It would be better if he just quietly lay there and did nothing. I would have thought it was my husband.

Your neighbors are up too. Not all of them, but there is always that one house where the lights go on in the bedroom, and then the bathroom and then the living room. The kiss of death. You leave the sanctity of the bedroom….its over. You go down any stairs at all…your done. You put the tv on….forget it. Just buy something useless and get it over with. You aren’t going back to sleep until you give someone your credit card over the phone.

Something leaks. Or drips. Or trickles. It could be the sink, the toilet, maybe even the hose outside. But you will hear it and it will make you have to pee.

Your house is sinking. Bit by bit. Inch by inch. Listen carefully and you will here the groaning and moaning of beams that have held up your house for decades. They have stood strong through wind and weather and even your fat Aunt Dolores and her three porcine offspring haven’t been able to break them. If you think back it started simple enough, a squeaky step…a whiney doorway floorboard…but in the middle of the night the beams seem to take on a life of their own. Bending and swaying to nothing. Creaking and scraping against the unknown. Just try to get back to sleep when you think the roof is caving in.
 

There are bugs that just wait for nighttime to begin their mating rituals. I suppose during the day the female bugs are all repulsive and unsightly and therefore undeserving of their attention. But at night, or maybe because it is too dark for them to actually see them, the females become these elegant, chic bug-lets with long antennas, and wispy wings. The males decide somewhere around midnight would be a good time to go courting by showing off there best leg rubbing skills….their proficiency in abdomen vibrating. The only bug noises that make me happy is the high pitched din of my bug- zapper when it catches one of the little bastards in full pursuit.