I just came back from an eye exam. I am still blind. The nice lady in the white smock (who I am sure there were two off) put something kinda burn-y, kinda soothing in my eyes that made me tear a lovely shade of yellow. She then instructed me to put my chin and forehead on this machine so that she could look through my mustard colored tears and into my eyes. Not happening. I have breasts. If they really needed my head and chin to rest in this contraption they should have made allowances for them. They didn’t so I just sat contorted til the test was over. Another machine was dropped down in front of me and I was instructed to read the smallest line of letters on the chart on the far wall. Now keep in mind, I knew ahead of time there was a wall, and a chart….but letters? When I finally zeroed in on the smallest line I could read, lens were placed in front of each eye with the doctor asking which was clearer….A or B? 1 or 2? By the tenth A or B I could tell I must have been getting something wrong because she kept asking…are you sure? I assured her which will probably mean I will be walking around with brand new glasses and still be blind as a bat. I knew I shoulda picked A!
The exam done and still blotting yellow tears from my blurry eyes, I made my way to the fitting counter. This is the place that no matter what coverage you have through your job or union costs you a fortune. The frames covered under the health plans are usually big black ugly glasses that only a face like Cindy Crawford could make look good. On me, not so much. As the technician handed me pair after pair to try on in the huge magnified mirror, he complimented me. That one looks fabulous on you! Liar That one is perfect for the shape of your face. Gee I often wondered what went with fat and a double chin? These are so lighweight you won’t even know you have them on. Yes I will, I can see. So I settled for a more stylish frame, by a designer who made his fortune in cologne and now wants to charge more than twice what the other frames will cost and four times what the health plan allows. But I will look fabulous. So he says. Cha-ching! Then I was offered scratch resistant lens. Cha-ching! Gradient lens that allieviate the need for sunglasses, a steal. Cha-ching, cha-ching! Spring hinges so that if I sit on them they wont break. Cha-NO…..I refused these since I know that it is gonna take more than a little spring to help when my fat ass sits on them.
My eyes have stopped tearing enough to throw away my yellow stained tissue. I still look a little jaundice but I am assured it will go away. I fill out the necessary form, sign what had to be signed and took out my checkbook. $344...that is with my health coverage. I could have sold an organ and not made enough to pay for these glasses, but I am gonna look fabulous because these lightweight frames will go so well with the shape of my face…at least that’s what the tech told me. And if I don’t, and if they aren’t I will leash up my seeing eye dog, grab my white cane and hunt him down.
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