get out of my seat

I went to see Jackie Mason for my husband. I could have gone to see Barry Manilow for myself. He owes me. Big time! We’ve seen Mason on Broadway, in Westbury, in a Connecticut casino, hell we’ve even seen him walking in Times Square, but the one place we have never seen him is at the Queens Theatre. It is in Flushing Meadow Park, smack dab in the middle of the abandoned structures that once were a showpiece of the World’s Fair of 1964. I was 9 when those structures were built and I don’t know who looked worse, me or them. Mostly everyone in the theatre was either Jewish…..Jewish and over 70.….or Jewish, over 70 and walked with some kind of assistance apparatus. Including the man sitting in our seats. The 101 year old usherette escorted us to our seats which had one of those over 70 handicaps sitting in my husband’s seat. Now how do you make a man who has not just a brace but a cane as well, get out of your assigned, hand-picked seat…easy, you tell him get the hell out of my seat you God damned cripple. Only kidding…you show your ticket to Myrtle the usherette and ask her to intervene. She does and the gimp produces a ticket with the same row and seat number. The lights are flashing and the people in the row behind us seem more incensed at us making the man move instead of irritated that he had taken our seat. After all, both myself and my husband aren’t half dead and walk basically unassisted. So far. Myrtle is amazed at the coincidence that we have the same seat, and if I hadn’t asked her to check what date he had on his ticket, we would still be debating our seating arrangement as Jackie started his shtick. The man in our seat had a ticket for two days earlier. Nice try Mr. Physically Challenged. Bye bye, Adios, Ciao! Before anyone gets all bent out of shape, keep in mind that both my husband and I have the shoulder span of a 747. If we aren’t on an aisle the entire row on either side of us would have to lean and with this group everyone of them would need a chiropractor by morning. Consider this altercation a benevolent act. He was escorted to another seat not far away until another unsuspecting patron entered the theatre and the process started again. (Myrtle was definitely earning her volunteer pay tonight.) The show began on time and Jackie did his typical Jew and Gentile jokes. The same jokes that made him the icon he is today. The same jokes that I have now heard waaaaaaay too many times. He updated the material by adding jokes about Obama’s Health Care agenda and Bill Clinton’s recent rescue mission in North Korea. Politicians 2 Mason 0 Sorry Jackie but judging by the silence in the theatre no one really found it too funny. What they did find funny, as did I, was your impersonations of Ed Sullivan, a black rapper, and a Pakistani doctor. Great stuff! Half way through the show was intermission. As soon as Jackie left the stage you could hear the clicking and clacking of canes, walkers, replacement knees and hips as they made there way to the refreshment stand and restrooms. Although my bladder could have used a dimunization I stayed put in case Tiny Tim decided to sit in our seat again. The second half of Jackie’s show was newer material and although I couldn’t quite maneuver enough to actually bring my hands together and clap, I would have. Exiting the theatre was akin to the exodus scene in the Ten Commandments. Jews who could barely walk a half hour ago were now spry and sure footed as they made there way to the parking lot. Canes and crutches were cast aside as if healed by Moses himself…ok that’s pushing it, but there definitely was an amazing transformation. It was as if when Jackie waved good bye at the end of his show he had someone cured them of their ills. Hey, maybe he had, they say laughter is the best medicine! My husband loves Jackie Mason, and I went because I love my husband, but if he ever wants to see Jackie Mason again before I am 70 he will have to take his mother.