hate

Ten Things I Hate

.....People who dont put their blinkers on.  There is nothing more infuriating than waiting at a red light behind some bozo who as soon as the light turns green puts his blinker on.  Do me a favor, dont bother with the blinker!  It does me no good to know at this point that I am stuck behind you until the oncoming traffic lightens up enough for you to turn.  There's no going around you either because god forbid anyone in the right land would allow such a thing.  Let me honk and rant and curse at you , you deserve it!

.....Traffic of any kind.  There is no reason for the Belt Parkway to be knotted up with cars mid-day mid-week.  Its not rush hour, it isnt beach traffic, there is no huge going out of business sale that my half of Brooklyn found out about, and they are certainly not all going to where I am headed.  So where are all these damn people going.  If there isn't any road work or some three lanes into two merge, then there better be a car wrapped around a tree when I get to the reason for the delay.  If I have to sit in traffic there better be something to talk about when I get to where I am going.

.....People who don't, won't or can't say what they really mean!  "She has a pretty face" basically means she has the personality of a slug and thighs the size of tree trunks.  She is fat and boring.  "She's a little quirky" means she's ok if she stays on her meds.  She's a nut case who might whack off your balls if you piss her off.  "He's such a special little kid" means he licks the windows on the short bus.  He doesn't have ADD, ADHD or any other initialed syndrome....he's just dumb.  "He's a real go-getter" means he got fired from K-Mart but is now working at Home Depot.  He's a lazy shit.

.....Sushi  I find no good reason to eat raw fish sliced, wrapped or rolled especially in stuff like seaweed.  For gods sake I pull seaweed out of the crotch of my bathing suit and skeeve it, why would I want to eat it?  Hiding it in between sticky rice is a nice trick, but it doesnt take a Houdini to know that it is in there.  And if you have to tell me it isn't 'fishy' tasting, then why the hell am I eating fish?

.....People who say "to make a long story short"  and then don't.  Guilty as charged.  I do it often.  Hate when I do it, hate it more when others do.  Get to the friggin' point after you utter those words.  You only say it because you know you are losing the attention of your audience and you think it will buy you more time.  To make a long story short....abbreviate!

.....People who brush their teeth at work.  Unless you have some gum disease or death breath I dont want to see you going into the bathroom as you pretend to hide the toothbrush.  You know you want us to be impressed at how hygienic you are when all we are really thinking is I hope he cleans the sink after he rinses. Floss at your desk if you'd like, but please dont muck up the sink with your minty spit.

.....The Ventriloquist Act  No, not the puppet, hand up the back, stick up the ass type of act.  I'm talk about the one where you ask someone a question and from across the room someone else answers.  If I didnt ask you the question give the person I did ask the opportunity to answer before you interupt in a feeble attempt to look smart.  You dont, you just look rude.  If  I'm having a one on one conversation leave it at that....ONE ON ONE, not one on TWO!

.....Customer service reps with foreign accents Nearly every technologically advanced product I own is made somewhere other than the US.  And if I paid for these items in yen, rupees or rubles I would deal with the language barrier.  But when I put down American dollars, in an American store I want to talk to an American technician when I have a problem.  I have enough trouble trying to boot, back-up, fragment, format, and surge suppress a system file without having to decipher what the technician has just told me.  I need Punjab to speak better English because by the time I get off the phone I have an unnatural desire for a cherry Slurpee.

.....Exercise equipment infomercials Show me, just once some beefy, bulky, chunky, stocky, weighty, husky, dumpy, stubby, paunchy, potbellied, flabby guy working out on any of them and I might buy one.  From Tony Little (who I am sure has his ponytail attached to his baseball cap) to Suzanne Somers and her Thighmaster thighs they all tell me the same thing.  If you arent a size 2, dont look amazing in latex or a spandex leotard, and can't run, jump or skip 15 miles don't bother to order the equipment.... it will kill you!

....Victoria Secrets Plus Size Isn't that a direct contradiction?  Plus size people, (and I am one) know the real secret to sexuality.  Keep it covered, tucked in, hidden, or disguised.  Keep it shrouded, sucked in, or compressed.  To ask a little piece of silk and lace to do all that is just asking too much.